I miss you lots. Every morning I wake up, I would look at my phone and wish you would sms me good morning. But as the day gets longer, it dawns on me that you are no longer around and that I would never get to hear you or see you again. I want to tell you everything that has been happening to me but you never seem to be around to listen. Remember the time we sat at Gombak on the rocks, eating ice-cream, you said you would listen forever. All I am asking now is not for you to listen to me, I am just asking for you to tell me the reason why you left. I can never seem to figure out why you left. Everytime I tell people about you, I would cry because I miss you lots and I regret not being there for you.

Im sorry buddy.

Count the things,

That are wrong with your life,

And you would be counting forever,

As you juggle your feelings,

Careful,

Dont let them break,

As you journey to the centre,

Of nothing,

And thoughts bounce,

And hit,

Wanting to be heard,

Wanting you to feel something,

Anything,

Pain is in the mind,

But that doesnt stop it hurting,

As shards of happiness,

And hope,

Lie at my feet,

And everything is busy,

Inside my head,

Cant find myself,

HELP ME,

Lost in all the thoughts,

Whats real?

Whats not?

What is the world coming to?

What am I coming to?

Fading,

Empty,

Its coming,

I'm afraid,

So afraid.

Basic camp was a really difficult time for me. I never knew that I would actually experience so much pain during this camp. I never wanted to go for the camp. But I'm also very sorry to those people who are so disappointed with me. I'm really sorry. I thought I could be transformed during this camp. Guess it only happened for the first night. Because when I came back from malaysia everything sorta became what it was at first. I cannot seem to feel God around anymore. Anyway I dont think others need to know how much I hurt cause some people dont care.

Malaysia was just funny. I went go-karting and I crashed really badly. Hurt really bad too. Maybe I really dont have any driving sense. I suck at ping-pong too. Apparently my whole family can play ping-pong except me. Smart.

The following weeks are gonna be really long. I can sense that in the weeks to come, it aint gonna be great. But what can I do?

Night cycling was fun. It was super duper challenging but it turned out great. Had a through body work out. Was perspiring like mad. However, I don’t seem to be able to control the lower part of my body. Hurts like hell.

Saw the sunrise at East Coast - reminds me of the time when him and I sat there and talked about the future. He wanted to become a taxi driver then. He said it was the most hardworking job on earth. It was the job that you would put your heart, soul and mind into. But now, he would never be able to become a taxi driver. When I saw the sunrise, I just missed him so badly. It was as if my heart broke into two. I guess I am still not able to accept the fact that he is no longer around for me to talk to, for me to go out with or for me to even tell him how great a friend he was. Its just so difficult. I thought I was getting to accept that fact. But after I saw the sunrise, it just opened all the fresh wounds and all the memories. I really regret, I really do.

I need help with the guitar.

Someone please please help.

I feel like giving up already.

It’s sad
That I wake up in the morning
And then get out of bed
There’s no point
If I’ve got nothing to do
It’s sad

It’s sad
That I’ve got a closet
Full of bones
I’ll never show
Sad I went through what I did
I don’t wish it on anyone
But it happens
It’s sad

It’s sad
That I"d hurt myself
I turn emotions
Into cuts and bruises
I make myself bleed
And I suppose
It’s sad

It’s sad
That I hate myself
I know it’s sad because I cry
And that’s a sure sign that
Things aren’t as they should be
I’m sad…that I’m fucking sad

It’s sad

Finally, a break from work – super tired. Talked to Greg today, he called because he had extra break time. His exams are almost over I guess, cause he is complaining less. Told him how bored and lonely I am now cause Pearlyn is in Aussie now and others don’t seem to want to spend time with me. I miss our arcade-hopping trips. I talked to Alyce too. She sent me an email and some photos she did using Photoshop. She photoshopped my picture into the ones she and Greg too. I look tiny. We look like a family! Really wish I could be there with them. But now I guess I can just be contented with looking at pictures. Its ain't that bad I guess.

Wrote this poem yesterday. While I was sitting on my bed and thinking. It is nothing great. But I like it. It says a lot about how I feel. Its one of the few poems I have done. But this is my favourite. The rest are too dark to put on my blog I guess.

Everytime I shed a tear,
I know its filled with sadness and fear.
Everytime I feel so down,
I just sit on my bed and frown.
Waiting for the world to pass by,
And sadly ask me “why do you cry?”
I just stare at them with eyes open wide,
And try to tell them how I died.
But they just don’t understand.

They never do understand.

I majorly screwed up songs today. Shucks. It was just so weird. I mean I have not gone for Basic for like econs. Then suddenly I pop out of nowhere and lead songs. I felt like I was under scrutiny of a microscope. It was horrible. Honestly, I just wanted to get away. I didn’t feel like I belong. But it is because of a contract with Greg that I would try to piece my life together again. I really want to. But I just feel like giving up too. It just kills me to know that maybe I am not the same as before.

I’m sorry that I have been acting like a huge pain. It’s just that you keep asking me questions that I don’t have the answers to. It is not that I don’t bother to answer you or that I am hiding anything. I just don’t have the answer. However much I carry on thinking, I don’t have the answer. I cannot just conjure up and answer for you, just to make the both of us happy. I know you care. I know you try very hard to be patient with me. But maybe, I’m not worth your time. I’m sorry I cannot give you the answers you want. Both of us have changed. I know I have.

I am so tempted to say that I want to give up, or that deep inside I hurt like crap. But don’t ask me why I hurt like crap, I don’t know the answer. Sometimes it is so hard to pretend that I’m fine so that you would not worry so much. Sometimes its so hard just to do anything.

When you say hey on msn, I really wonder whether this conversation is going to be a tense one, or a conversation that would lead to smiles. But I guess, these few times, the conversations end on bad notes. You either become extremely pissed with me, or I get so pissed I go offline or appear offline. Honestly, I have been appearing offline lots and lots of times. Because I am afraid that talking to you would ruin our friendship. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but its true.

When I told you about my piercing, you didn’t seem happy. You were never happy when I talked about piercings and tattoos. Maybe its just that the both of us have different views about it. But do you know, you were the first friend I told about my piercing. Sadly, only to find out that you were maybe a little pissed. Honestly, it hurt like crap. I knew you didn’t like it. But I had a hope that maybe on account of our friendship you would like maybe try to be nice about it.

But for everything that has happened, I’m sorry Luke.

I think you’re an idiot, I think your really really stupid, I think your wasting your time, I think your not only hurting yourself but others too and I think your not the person you used to be. But I know that I have no right to comment on your life, when mine is so bloody screwed up.

Greg called yesterday. As usual, I cried and wasted precious minutes. I really wish he were here to tell me that everything is going to be okay. Wells at least he understands. He told me he is not going to be back so soon. But he told me lots of things that make more sense than what others have told me. But he agreed with me that that person and I have lots of differences. I still cannot understand why that person cannot see it from my point of view. Sheesher.

Sentosa was horrible. The sun was so hot; I was holding an umbrella while the others were sun tanning. I still got a bloody tan. Stupid stupid stupid. Argh then I went to think about stuff and then got so pissed off with myself, that I almost scratched my nose stud off. And boy it hurts like hell. But not as much as when people don’t understand and don’t approve of my piercing. Anyway super tired day and also going prom-shopping tmrw. The horror.

Exams are officially over. Hurray people. Lets wave the loser flag together. Sadly, I don’t feel so happy about exams ending. I start to feel more depressed. Sheesh. Maybe it is because I know that after my exams end, I have many more things to settle. I don’t feel like settling anything. Its like opening fresh wounds and rubbing salt onto it. Painful.

Going to Sentosa with Pearl, Denise and Hwee Ping now. I should be happy that at least I can go out. But I don’t want to sunburn. It hurts. Crap. Anyway I’m just going there to have some fun in the sun. So many things to think about.

I actually thought you understood. But I guess you and I have absolutely different opinions of what life should be. I cannot understand why you cannot accept me for who I am. All my life, I have always tried to fit in. I thought you understood how I felt. You even told me I’m fine the way I am. Guess I was wrong dude. I was seriously wrong.

Honestly, I have nothing else to say. But just that I miss you. All those happy times are just in memory now. I never thought things would come to this. Because if this drags on any longer. I really don’t know what I will do. You have always been there for me. I thank you for that. But now, maybe both of us have move on in life. We don’t communicate as much. There isn’t much ‘feel’ left. You are having fun where you are now. Thats good for you.

Miss you dude.

Dear everyone,

First of all you need to know that this is not your fault,
It's mine, for I locked my problem inside me like a vault,
Problems that I was never able to tell you,
Problems that I'm sick of dealing with.
I'm through.

I'm sick of pretending that everything's alright,
I'm sick of having all these emotional demons to fight.
I can't take my depressing life anymore,
I realize I felt this way too often before.

I now know I'm not needed in this place,
Just another stupid teen, just another ugly face.
I can tell I'm secretly hated by everyone I know,
Though, when I'm around, they don't let their hatred show.

My life has no purpose as I can clearly see,
No one needs me and everyone hates me
I hate this world I live in, I hate how I feel now.
I try so hard to be accepted, but I don't know how.

I hate my reputation.
So I'm ending my life, my wrists I will cut.
I want you two to know, that I really do love you,
But I hate my life too much, this is the only thing to do.

Suicide's the perfect escape for my problems to go away,
I don't think anyone will miss me, anyway.
Maybe, somewhere there's someone who loves me
But I couldn't find them soon enough so now I must flee.

Maybe, my life's not that bad, maybe this is all in my head.
But it's too late to tell me that, by the time you find that I'll be dead.

I'm sorry it has to end this way, I'm sorry if you cry,
But I think this world will be better off,
If I die..

Goodbye.

I’m scared about what is going to happen after I graduate from secondary school. I’m scared that my results are not up to standard and that things won’t go the way I planned them to. I’m scared that maybe everything that I have now and hold dear will just disappear into thin air. I’m scared about things that I don’t know of. I’m scared about staying alone at home now.

It has not been an easy month for me. Things I never thought would happen just happened and made my world come crashing down. It never occurred to me that life is just that unpredictable. I never thought it would happen. I don’t want it to happen. But there is nothing I can do to turn back time and erase what has happened. Nor can I face my feelings. When people ask “Are you alright?” I just give a smile and say yes. Its so easy to deny feeling but just so hard to face them and the pain that follows along. I cannot accept the fact that you are no longer around. It hurts.

Exams are coming to an end. Came so fast, over so fast. What happens after, only God knows. I don’t want to know what happens after. I’m afraid of what is going to happen after. Aren’t you?

Only 7 more days to O levels. I don’t know if I can make it through the week. Its just so tiring. I wonder how the others still have energy to go out and stuff. I don’t even feel like leaving my room. To add to the pain, my study break has been taken away. That’s cause I only passed 4 subjects out of the 6 subjects I take. That means I have to go school next week while some of my classmates have their study break. Sigh. Makes me feel loser-ish and stupid too.

My brother seems to have his whole holiday planned out. I don’t even have any plans for mine. Other than going out with my friends to buy my prom stuff. After prom, its like nothing much to do. Gah. Wells then I can just spend more time with my bed and pillows. Sounds great though. But I don’t know why… I just feel so empty. Its like there is something missing within me. I don’t know whats missing. Or maybe its just me.

Everything is happening so fast. I do not even have time to digest the things that are happening around me. I can only feel the pain. Why must things that I dread happen now? Why must my parents have ideas of changing church? Why?!

1 more month to O levels! Or to be more exact, it’s only about 27 days more. Halleluiah people. Things are staring to look bleak. I am procrastinating still and more things aren’t looking up. Oh my. But at least I can cling onto the fact that in 1 months time, I am going to be free free free. No more waking up early and enduring teachers scolding you for sleeping in class. Hurrah!

I'll Be There - Jackson 5

You and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back
Where there is love, Ill be there

Ill reach out my hand to you, Ill have faith in all you do
Just call my name and Ill be there

Ill be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you,
Im so glad that I found you
Ill be there with a love thats strong
Ill be your strength, Ill keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well thats all Im after
Whenever you need me, Ill be there
Ill be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name and Ill be there

If you should ever find someone new,
I know hed better be good to you cause if he doesnt, Ill be there
Dont you know, baby, yeah yeah
Ill be there, Ill be there, just call my name, Ill be there

Ill be there, Ill be there, whenever you need me, Ill be there
Dont you know, baby, yeah yeah
Ill be there, Ill be there, just call my name, Ill be there...

Thanks Greg. ILY too.

For a moment there I forgot.
Forgot who I was and where I was going.
For a moment I broke down, than I held it all in...
Refusing to grieve beyond this point.
Just still in a state of shock, loss, and torment.
Crying now, it feels like I've forgotten where I stood.
Where the path leads, where the circle begins again.
I'm going to try to see a part of me.
Just me and no one else.
I'm going to try to let this go, but I think a part of me never will.

Can you believe this?

I don't want to be alone anymore.

Just a bruise, a major bump in the road.

So, for a moment there I think I forgot.

Forgot to breath,

forgot to cry

forgot to bleed

forgot to die.

Confusion always plays a part.

Toying with our emotions.

Stringing them from the outside and leaving them for......

I think I forgot...

For now I don't want to remember.

Remember the way this all felt...

Forgive me for now..for I can't see past this.

Greg challenged me. To give the guitar one more try. He said I’m too caught up with other stuff and I need to try something new. The thing is, I have given up on the guitar. But that stupid BUMFAT asked me to try again. He said when he comes back next year. He’s gonna see me play. Hooboy.

School pretty much sucks. I don’t like my sitting position. Ew. Anyway school is beginning to feel so mundane. Everything is so monotone. Sigh. Don’t think anything new is going to happen. Unless one of us like decides to commit suicide out of stress. Wont that be nice.

Having stomach flu now. Which means that everything I eat, is vomited out minutes later. Sucks to be me. I want to eat, but I cant. I even had an injection and I hate injections.

Its seems so weird when you start talking to me. Its like my whole world is suddenly blocked out and I’m in a bubble. Everything that we share, I really want it to be true. But everytime I talk to you, I always doubt you. Because of this, I am also starting to doubt myself. It super hurts. I don’t want to doubt anyone.

Everytime I think I’m closer to the heart,

Of what it means to know just who I am.

I think I finally found a better place to start,

But no one never seems to understand.

Letting go is not easy. Even how hard I try, I just cannot seem to let go. Maybe he is not worth it. Maybe I don’t need a friend like him. But I just don’t know why everything turned out like this. Is it because of me? Or is it cause of him? Or is it the both of us. Its so pissy to be thinking of random reasons why it is happening or why did it happen.

Is it worth suffering over a person like him? If he is not willing to be my friend, why am I still clinging on so stupidly? Do I want to continue suffering or should I just let go and move on. Sigh, if only life were that simple. If it were then the whole world would not be suffering from heart pain.

I don’t know if your friendship is worth the pain I am suffering now.

I LOVE SINGING SAD SONGS.

You know what?! I don’t really give a shit anymore. People seem to have this warped opinion of me. You cant really change me or anything. Neither would I change myself. I may act immature and stuff. But that does not give you permission to have warped opinions of me. Why cant you just accept me for who I am?

After all these years, I know many things have happened and we ALL have changed. I know I have. Even how hard it is to accept the changed you, don’t you realize that we do still stick by each other. Yes, I honestly have been avoiding you. But you just screw up my mind. It is already very screwed up. And I don’t need you to make it worse. Even how irritating you are, I try not to show how much it is affecting me.

But I just cant take it anymore. Because its eating into me. I really want to solve this problem. But it goes so far back, I don’t know where to start. Maybe you don’t realize that I don’t judge people by how well they do in school and everything. I don’t mind if you’re a freaking big failure in life. I may not be able to accept the changed you. But I am getting used to it. Sorry, but it does take time.

Anyway, everything is screwed, I am screwed too.

To live a life of colour
To take away the blades, blood and tears
To never have heard
My own bitter screams in the night

To live a life without
Hatred for myself, my friends and family
To never have killed
My relationships with the

To live a life of love
To love and have been loved
To never have become
What I am

To live a life like yours
A virgin to depression
To never have tasted
The tears of my life

Would be bliss

(c) =gothic-anomie - deviantart

Went to send Jie off last night. I swear I was going to cry. But because of stupid pride, I didn’t. Will really miss that woman. It’s like last time when she came back and left it felt easier to let go. But I think as I grow older, it just becomes harder and harder to let the ones I love, leave. Wells but at least I know she is going to be back. But last night made me feel like I want to leave for someplace far away too. Where I can start everything new. Wells I will never have the chance though. It would all just be wishful thinking.

Didn’t go school today. Had a shitty night, cried lots. Cried lots again this morning. It does kill. But amazingly, it also does make everything seem better. Guess these few days I have been thinking lots. Not very good. But at least I have come to make a few big decisions. Yep. So that’s like time spent wisely I guess?

Anyway the picture is of my brother and I, on the way to the airport. I guess sometimes he is really pissy and stuff. But like yesterday. He bought me lunch. Free of charge. And then let me play with his phone, listen to his songs. We spent a good 2 hours acting like civilized citizens. Last time, I had always thought it would be great to see him go to the army. But now I think I am going to be the one crying buckets when he does. Even though he is taller, bigger, and more egoistic – I still love him.

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!" - Peter Pan

Tears are the windows to a soul

Within them contain the emotions of one's being

Falling for the death of someone loved,

Streaming for brokeness

Rolling in laughter and happiness,

Tumbling in depression

Holding onto the light,

Clinging in fear of darkness

Windows,

Windows to the hiding one afraid to be seen

(c)WingOfDeath-deviantart

Sorta love this picture. When I look at it, it feels like freedom. I like freedom. To me, freedom is just me lying on my bed with music and stoning. Simple pleasure. But now, I rarely have that. Because of O levels. Its only 9 more weeks to O levels people. Sigh. So fast. In about 13 weeks, I would be off school. Imagine that. Gah.

Anyway in school now, trying to rush F&N coursework. Today is the last day. GAH!

I want to talk to him. But I can’t seem to bring myself to talk to him. I’m afraid that I will get hurt or maybe say something that will hurt him. It’s so painful. Sigh. Maybe the 2 of us are just not meant to be friends. However much I want it.

This is Ng Siah Ying’s 2nd post. All the wistful thinking. Sigh.

He really really hates me and does not want to talk to me. Sigh. I guess all I can do now is just pray and ask God to help me. Cause even if I keep thinking about it, its not going to benefit me. He won’t even care, even if I fail my exams because I’m troubled over this. He already said that he does not care anymore. So Ng Siah Ying! Why are you still thinking about him? It’s practically useless. So stop thinking you emotional person. Get a grip.

Oh I so love scolding myself. Yeah. It’s a part of my life that I so enjoy. I get a fantastic kick out of doing it. Whee.

Anyway it’s going to be a real crap week at school. How I wish I could get 2 days mc. These 2 days would be spent lying down on my bed and staring into the ceiling. It really gives me a sense of happiness. But I also must study. Its only 9 more weeks to O levels and only 12 more weeks to the end of O levels. I must live for 12 more weeks. I must also stop thinking about stupid things. Because these few days, the word pain feels so sweet. Sigh.

Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say

Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Thanks Greg for the longlong email and talk, thanks Alyce for your virtual papercrane, thanks Luke for wasting smses and time on talking to me and thanks Pearl for spending time with me.

Greg sent me this song. He said this song is like our friendship. No matte how far apart we are. Miss him. Talked to me and cried lots. Then talked to Alyce - nice person. Thanks to the 2 of you for reminding me whats important now. Even though I do think about it all the time, I still gotta focus on my exams.

I never realised that I can be hurt so deeply over a few smses. Sigh I guess theres nothing I can do about it if he doesnt care and doesnt want to have anything to do with me anymore. But I keep thinking about it and its messing with my mind. Sigh maybe Luke is right. Thinking too much does screw up your brain.

~ more tears, more blood shed

Everything seems to be crashing down. It seems like everything chose the same time to just collaspe on me.

The word ' never ' is a very strong word. It makes everything feel like its come to a dead end. When you claimed that you would never talk to me again, so that I could be happy, I really thought you were insane. It didnt make me happy. It only made me feel extremely hurt. Its ridiculous. Im sad because of other reasons. This just shows you dont understand me. Maybe these 2 years of not talking to each other has just made everything worse.

People came today to adopt my cats. I dont want to give my cats away. I feel like everything thats dear to me is going away. Firstly, someone who I thought was my friend has walked away from me. Now my only source of happiness is being taken away from me. Why is this happening?!

Medical check-up tmrw. Dont think its going to be good. Not been taking medicine these few months. Just dont feel like taking. I must as well die. This way, I would not have to take medicine and I wouldnt have to feel any pain.

Actually I dont know where my heart is

... maybe I left it in the fridge.

All colours turn to grey.

Been a pretty bad week. Sigh it seems like everything is not going the way it should be. Everything and everyone is messing up. I am messing up big time. I know this is not the time to let my emotions do the talking. But sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

I need to control my emotions so I can block the pain. Its not worth the pain. It just makes eveything seem so grey and lonely. Last time I always wondered how it would be like to be lonely. But now I guess I know how it feels.

Prelims are soonsooon. Finishing my Prep exams tmrw. Hmmm I wonder how I would fare. Sigh I guess with everything thats happening around me. My results would pretty much reflect them. I want to do well and everything. But my emotions keep interferring. Wouldn't it be great if our emotions had an on and off switch?

I miss you guys so much.

Pretty bad week and everything. Seems like things don't really go your way when you want or need them too. So many things to settle but, so little time. 

School has been pretty bummed out. Cause of Prep exams. I do try my best. But my best never seems enough to me. I don't know how much others are expecting from me. But I know that I am not reaching the expectation I have of myself. 

Got so many things to settle but I don't know how to go about settling them. I did ask God for wisdom on how to settle them. But I don't think I still do get it. Sigh I must be like born dumb of something. Sigh I worry that things would turn out opposite from what I expect. Of all times to get all these stuff now. Makes O levels seem unworthy of my time.

Gahh I want to go Australia at the end of the year. But its like so expensive. I don't like want to like tell Mummy and Daddy how much I want to go. Because I don't want to give them any stress. Sighh but I would understand if we do not get to go at the end of the year. Sigh sometimes I do wish I was rich. But I guess God is fair. I got a happy family.

Thank You by Ray Boltz
I dreamed I went to heaven
And you were there with me
We walked upon the streets of gold
Beside the crystal sea
We heard these angels singing
Then someone called your name
You turned and saw this young man
And he was smiling as he came
And he said friend you may not know me now
And then he said, but wait
You used to teach my Sunday School
When I was only eight
And every week you would say a prayer
Before the class would start
And one day when you said that prayer
I asked Jesus in my heart

CHORUS
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am a life that was changed
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am so glad you gave
Then another man stood before you
And said remember the time
A missionary came to your church
And his pictures made you cry
You didn’t have much money
But you gave it anyway
Jesus took the gift you gave
And that’s why I’m here today

CHORUS

One by one they came
Far as your eyes could see
Each life somehow touched
By your generosity
Little things that you had done
Sacrifices you made
They were unnoticed on the earth
In heaven now proclaimed

And I know that up in heaven
You’re not supposed to cry
But I am almost sure
There were tears in your eyes
As Jesus took your hand
And you stood before the Lord
He said, my child look around you
For great is your reward

CHORUS

I am so glad you gave.

If I tell you that I am lonely now, would you come all the way here to give me a hug?

Just came back from swimming, extremely tired. Sigh I never liked swimming. Anyway I have lots of things to think about. Its not important but I just want to think about it. Even if it does make me feel depressed.

Just talked to Greg the other day. Miss him so much. He said hes coming back soon. I hope his soon is like real soon. Got so many things to tell him =) He said hes found a girlfriend there. Shes into wrestling! He showed her my picture and she said she wanted to meet me. He said he guessed shes never seen anyone so small. Haha shes 180. I really wonder how people ever grow so tall. Anyway Greg said that he and Alyce - nice name, are trying to make me the 1000 paper cranes thingy. Haha honestly, I think I will never get to see it. Cause Greg is just like me. We cannot even fold paper planes. Let alone cranes. No offence Greg. Greg is a silent blog reader. He reads, he laughes but he never or rarely tags. Hmmm see if this post will make him soo touched that he will tag!

After talking to Greg, I suddenly seem to miss Zanny alot. I feel really guilty for not thinking about her everyday. I even forgot her death aniversary. Cause to me, shes always there. I guess I still cant get over the fact that she has left. I miss her to bits. But I know I can never give her a hug anymore. Thinking about it now, I really have not been thinking about her. Im sorry Zanny. But deep down in my heart. I really do miss her. I have always been. Ever since she left for Hawaii and even when she passed away. I always wish that she never fell ill and she never died. But I know I cant turn back the clock. Sigh. I MISS YOU ZANNY.

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many

Songs about rainbows

And what's on the other side

Rainbow's are visions

They're only illusions

And rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told and some chose to

Believe it

But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it

The Rainbow Connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish

Would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star

Somebody thought of that

And someone believed it

And look what it's done so far

What's so amazing

That keeps us star gazing

What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it

That Rainbow Connection

The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep

And have you heard voices

I've heard them calling my name

Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors

I think they're one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it

There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it

The Rainbow Connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

My Mummy is putting my kittens up for adoption. I hate that. Why must she do that? Sigh everytime I get attached to the kittens she puts them up for adoption. Sighh I will miss them. =(

Everything is collapsing around me. Sigh false hopes and everything. I just dont get anything. But neither do I intend to get them. All I want to do is just be alone. I cannot seem to find a time where I can be alone. I just want to lock my room door and spend a whole day with myself, sorting things out. But seems like school is totally killing me. I can feel I have changed. I'm getting physically and mentally weaker everyday. It totally feels like shit.

Maria McMorbid © [Maria]

Maria McMorbid © [Maria]

Today is such a stupid day. I totally bummed my oral. They asked the hardest question in the world. And today was pretty bummed. I screwed up everything that I thought I would never screw up. The teachers today didnt make it any easier. They made the day seem even more bummed than it could already be.

Orals actually did not make my day bummed. Many other things made my day bummed and maybe even the days to come.

Today the Superman of the day is Wong JuLih! Haha. He's Superman of the day because I felt that he was soo brave. Cause he ate a whole tablespoon of tabasco sauce in return for a Mcdonalds sundae. Brave but a little stupid thought. =)

Anyway today was like super duper uber hot. Even in the aircon can perspire so much. But still today was okay-okay. But was pretty sian-ed over many things. And tmrw is chinese O levels! So ciao people!

My school's Graduation Ball is like super expensive. $70 just to go. Not counting the money to spend on clothes and stuff. Aww mann my pocket is like soo gonna burst. Haha more like my parent's pockets. =D Anyway its like at the Hilton which is like posh according to the teachers. Haha the food better be good!

Anyway going to sleep now! Got church tmrw. Singing backup for Basic! Ciao!

" HAKUNA MATATA - no worries "

But unfortunately there seems to be like this super thick cloud of worry hanging in the air all the time. And I'm sure its not mainly cause of O levels. Even though I have not been studying. Its more like everything is sooo worrying. Sighh.

~ SHORT POST , and even shorter life

I think I am officially going insane. Looking at my phone the whole day, calling Lekshmi during class and hanging up, totally destroying my foolscap cover and more. Im going to grow mad and like maybe blow or something.

Today's horoscope!
Gemini - You are feeling hopeless about getting through that one person, but just put it off for a few days and things should settle down.

When I read this in the newspapers today. I was like shocked. It sounds soo true. I mean sometimes horoscopes are crap - according to Luke. But this time it seemed pretty real! I mean for those who know what happen, it does apply in almost everyway. Soo yeah.

Honestly I dont know if anything means anything to you. I mean I know better than to like believe what you said. But I gave whatever you said some thought and I sorta hoped you would be there. Wells I guess I was being stupid or something. Sighh nothing more to say. Just that Im disappointed and I guess its my fault.

Super tired today. Lead songs for Basic today. Mann my voice totally screwed up. Hope that next week it would be better. Was mostly distracted cause I was hoping that what i hoped for would happen. But nehh it didnt. I was so ready to strangle someone. =(

Got lots of things to blog about. But no more motivation cause Im feeling =(