I’m scared about what is going to happen after I graduate from secondary school. I’m scared that my results are not up to standard and that things won’t go the way I planned them to. I’m scared that maybe everything that I have now and hold dear will just disappear into thin air. I’m scared about things that I don’t know of. I’m scared about staying alone at home now.

It has not been an easy month for me. Things I never thought would happen just happened and made my world come crashing down. It never occurred to me that life is just that unpredictable. I never thought it would happen. I don’t want it to happen. But there is nothing I can do to turn back time and erase what has happened. Nor can I face my feelings. When people ask “Are you alright?” I just give a smile and say yes. Its so easy to deny feeling but just so hard to face them and the pain that follows along. I cannot accept the fact that you are no longer around. It hurts.

Exams are coming to an end. Came so fast, over so fast. What happens after, only God knows. I don’t want to know what happens after. I’m afraid of what is going to happen after. Aren’t you?

Only 7 more days to O levels. I don’t know if I can make it through the week. Its just so tiring. I wonder how the others still have energy to go out and stuff. I don’t even feel like leaving my room. To add to the pain, my study break has been taken away. That’s cause I only passed 4 subjects out of the 6 subjects I take. That means I have to go school next week while some of my classmates have their study break. Sigh. Makes me feel loser-ish and stupid too.

My brother seems to have his whole holiday planned out. I don’t even have any plans for mine. Other than going out with my friends to buy my prom stuff. After prom, its like nothing much to do. Gah. Wells then I can just spend more time with my bed and pillows. Sounds great though. But I don’t know why… I just feel so empty. Its like there is something missing within me. I don’t know whats missing. Or maybe its just me.

Everything is happening so fast. I do not even have time to digest the things that are happening around me. I can only feel the pain. Why must things that I dread happen now? Why must my parents have ideas of changing church? Why?!