You know what?! I don’t really give a shit anymore. People seem to have this warped opinion of me. You cant really change me or anything. Neither would I change myself. I may act immature and stuff. But that does not give you permission to have warped opinions of me. Why cant you just accept me for who I am?

After all these years, I know many things have happened and we ALL have changed. I know I have. Even how hard it is to accept the changed you, don’t you realize that we do still stick by each other. Yes, I honestly have been avoiding you. But you just screw up my mind. It is already very screwed up. And I don’t need you to make it worse. Even how irritating you are, I try not to show how much it is affecting me.

But I just cant take it anymore. Because its eating into me. I really want to solve this problem. But it goes so far back, I don’t know where to start. Maybe you don’t realize that I don’t judge people by how well they do in school and everything. I don’t mind if you’re a freaking big failure in life. I may not be able to accept the changed you. But I am getting used to it. Sorry, but it does take time.

Anyway, everything is screwed, I am screwed too.

To live a life of colour
To take away the blades, blood and tears
To never have heard
My own bitter screams in the night

To live a life without
Hatred for myself, my friends and family
To never have killed
My relationships with the

To live a life of love
To love and have been loved
To never have become
What I am

To live a life like yours
A virgin to depression
To never have tasted
The tears of my life

Would be bliss

(c) =gothic-anomie - deviantart

Went to send Jie off last night. I swear I was going to cry. But because of stupid pride, I didn’t. Will really miss that woman. It’s like last time when she came back and left it felt easier to let go. But I think as I grow older, it just becomes harder and harder to let the ones I love, leave. Wells but at least I know she is going to be back. But last night made me feel like I want to leave for someplace far away too. Where I can start everything new. Wells I will never have the chance though. It would all just be wishful thinking.

Didn’t go school today. Had a shitty night, cried lots. Cried lots again this morning. It does kill. But amazingly, it also does make everything seem better. Guess these few days I have been thinking lots. Not very good. But at least I have come to make a few big decisions. Yep. So that’s like time spent wisely I guess?

Anyway the picture is of my brother and I, on the way to the airport. I guess sometimes he is really pissy and stuff. But like yesterday. He bought me lunch. Free of charge. And then let me play with his phone, listen to his songs. We spent a good 2 hours acting like civilized citizens. Last time, I had always thought it would be great to see him go to the army. But now I think I am going to be the one crying buckets when he does. Even though he is taller, bigger, and more egoistic – I still love him.

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!" - Peter Pan

Tears are the windows to a soul

Within them contain the emotions of one's being

Falling for the death of someone loved,

Streaming for brokeness

Rolling in laughter and happiness,

Tumbling in depression

Holding onto the light,

Clinging in fear of darkness

Windows,

Windows to the hiding one afraid to be seen

(c)WingOfDeath-deviantart

Sorta love this picture. When I look at it, it feels like freedom. I like freedom. To me, freedom is just me lying on my bed with music and stoning. Simple pleasure. But now, I rarely have that. Because of O levels. Its only 9 more weeks to O levels people. Sigh. So fast. In about 13 weeks, I would be off school. Imagine that. Gah.

Anyway in school now, trying to rush F&N coursework. Today is the last day. GAH!

I want to talk to him. But I can’t seem to bring myself to talk to him. I’m afraid that I will get hurt or maybe say something that will hurt him. It’s so painful. Sigh. Maybe the 2 of us are just not meant to be friends. However much I want it.

This is Ng Siah Ying’s 2nd post. All the wistful thinking. Sigh.

He really really hates me and does not want to talk to me. Sigh. I guess all I can do now is just pray and ask God to help me. Cause even if I keep thinking about it, its not going to benefit me. He won’t even care, even if I fail my exams because I’m troubled over this. He already said that he does not care anymore. So Ng Siah Ying! Why are you still thinking about him? It’s practically useless. So stop thinking you emotional person. Get a grip.

Oh I so love scolding myself. Yeah. It’s a part of my life that I so enjoy. I get a fantastic kick out of doing it. Whee.

Anyway it’s going to be a real crap week at school. How I wish I could get 2 days mc. These 2 days would be spent lying down on my bed and staring into the ceiling. It really gives me a sense of happiness. But I also must study. Its only 9 more weeks to O levels and only 12 more weeks to the end of O levels. I must live for 12 more weeks. I must also stop thinking about stupid things. Because these few days, the word pain feels so sweet. Sigh.

Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say

Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Thanks Greg for the longlong email and talk, thanks Alyce for your virtual papercrane, thanks Luke for wasting smses and time on talking to me and thanks Pearl for spending time with me.

Greg sent me this song. He said this song is like our friendship. No matte how far apart we are. Miss him. Talked to me and cried lots. Then talked to Alyce - nice person. Thanks to the 2 of you for reminding me whats important now. Even though I do think about it all the time, I still gotta focus on my exams.

I never realised that I can be hurt so deeply over a few smses. Sigh I guess theres nothing I can do about it if he doesnt care and doesnt want to have anything to do with me anymore. But I keep thinking about it and its messing with my mind. Sigh maybe Luke is right. Thinking too much does screw up your brain.

~ more tears, more blood shed

Everything seems to be crashing down. It seems like everything chose the same time to just collaspe on me.

The word ' never ' is a very strong word. It makes everything feel like its come to a dead end. When you claimed that you would never talk to me again, so that I could be happy, I really thought you were insane. It didnt make me happy. It only made me feel extremely hurt. Its ridiculous. Im sad because of other reasons. This just shows you dont understand me. Maybe these 2 years of not talking to each other has just made everything worse.

People came today to adopt my cats. I dont want to give my cats away. I feel like everything thats dear to me is going away. Firstly, someone who I thought was my friend has walked away from me. Now my only source of happiness is being taken away from me. Why is this happening?!

Medical check-up tmrw. Dont think its going to be good. Not been taking medicine these few months. Just dont feel like taking. I must as well die. This way, I would not have to take medicine and I wouldnt have to feel any pain.

Actually I dont know where my heart is

... maybe I left it in the fridge.

All colours turn to grey.

Been a pretty bad week. Sigh it seems like everything is not going the way it should be. Everything and everyone is messing up. I am messing up big time. I know this is not the time to let my emotions do the talking. But sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

I need to control my emotions so I can block the pain. Its not worth the pain. It just makes eveything seem so grey and lonely. Last time I always wondered how it would be like to be lonely. But now I guess I know how it feels.

Prelims are soonsooon. Finishing my Prep exams tmrw. Hmmm I wonder how I would fare. Sigh I guess with everything thats happening around me. My results would pretty much reflect them. I want to do well and everything. But my emotions keep interferring. Wouldn't it be great if our emotions had an on and off switch?