Feel The Freedom

This is really difficult. I didn't know a relationship could be so energy-draining, mind-draining and just so complicated. It seems like other people have it so easy. I thought I would too. I mean, getting together with your childhood friend, best friend, confidante just seems so easy, so safe. Little did I know, it's so mighty difficult and helluva tiring. I'm not saying I wanna give this relationship up, I really want this relationship to last - it's not even 2 months, that's like a really short time already. I'm just looking for the cracks in it. Every relationship has it's cracks. Is it because I'm too whiny? I know I complain a hell lot. I could try cutting down, but shucks ... sometimes I just like to whine. Is it because I swear too much? Honestly, I've cut down on swearing A LOT. It used to be part of my main language. Or is it simply because of the different kind of up-bringings. I am the result of my parent's up-bringing. Judging from my personality, it's definitely not the A-grade standard. But, I'm happy the way I am. I may not read the bible unless it's Saturday or Sunday, and I may not pray unless I remember, but my parents have brought me up in a good christian environment. All the major and minor flaws in me, are the result of the choices I have made in my life. I don't know why am I explaining the reason of my current personality, or lack thereof. Seems really stupid at this point of time. I'm just gonna be straightout honest here, cause it seems easier than talking it out. I don't think I'm the kind of girl for you. Looking at you, the girl for you is probably quiet, sensitive, doesn't swear unless it's the occasional " oh shit ", presentable looking which means no piercings, no coloured and doesn't even look at a tattoo shop. I'm loud, not really sensitive, I swear a lot, I have a nose-stud which I'm not thinking of getting rid off anytime soon, I've had orange hair and I would rush into a tattoo shop and get one done on the spot. It's none of my business telling you who would be perfect for you. I'm really lucky that a guy like you would even look at me, talk to me and even fall for me. I mean, I seriously thought I would get an Ah Beng for a boyfriend and then get married to one. Boys like you seemed so " godly " to me that I didn't even dare to venture near anyone like that. This is seriously damn screwed up. I don't even know what I'm typing, it's just everything that comes to mind. When you told me today that you might breakup with me, I was already crying. It seems so easy to confidently say that I'll breakup with you if your parents or God objects to this relationship. But when I talked to you today, my heart actually hurt so badly. I actually felt angry with God, with myself and with you. It just felt so stupid, so ridiculous. I didn't know what to say. I really do love you, it's been the same all these years. But it's just so difficult to please everyone, to wait for everyone to nod their head and give the go ahead. I was pretty pissed with you for delaying the talk with your mum. I mean just talk to her, you don't have to answer her on the spot. I know she's different from my mum, but I'm sure all mum's want to see their children happy, happily attached to the person of their choice. I'm sorry for constantly bugging you to talk to her, I know you have your difficulties, I'm sorry for getting pissed at you for delaying the talk. I was being impatient and not understanding where you were coming from. This relationship has been one of the most awesome things that has happened to me this year. I'm not just gonna watch it crumble. Even though I really honestly feel like giving up cause I'm sick and tired of having to be accountable to so many people, I'm gonna try to be strong. Try to be strong for myself and for us. It's not something I wanna let go so easily. So ending off this post, I'm gonna fight for this relationship. It's cause fighting is what I do best, it's in my blood. After you read this mess of a post, we need to talk. I never imagined myself saying that but yes, we do need to talk. Lastly, I do STILL love you even though sometimes you can be a real a**hole.