I can't seem to be doing anything right these days :( screwed up projects, not watching my language, being late for school, doing everything else except the things I need to do and worse of all, not being understanding to other people's feelings :( honestly, I don't really mean to. But that is the worse excuse of all, because you do to others what you want other to do unto you.

I'm really sorry. I keep repeating and promising to stop talking about you :( but I just can't seem to keep that promise. Deep down I know that it hurts you when I talk about it, but do I shut up ... NO :( you're really important to me, and yet I can't seem to realise you're pissed with me. I feel like such a loser. I know whatever I say would not make anything right. Cause I was being an idiot and hurting you time and time again.

It's gonna be my 18th birthday, big day. However, it seems like it's gonna be one of the suckiest birthday ever. Cause I constant keep hurting the people around me, the people I love. F :(

3 MONTHS
& counting

Remember the promise we made? That we'll work everything thing out together. These few months, have been really hectic for us. Especially with school and everything else. Honestly, there were so many times that I doubted myself, you and us. But it's the little obstacles we face, the various questions that go through our minds, the many mistakes we make, the time we spend together and the conversations we had that just make me come to realise that I love you more and more each day. It's the little things that have happened that have made me realise how important you are to me. Thinking about it, I do feel confident to say that I'll love you ... forever. It seems like a very short time to be able to determine that, but everyday I daydream about us, forever. Pretty corny, but true :)

You & Me - Lifehouse

What day is it?

And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up and I can't back down

I've been losing so much time

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people

With nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

One of the things that I want to say

Just aren't coming out right

I'm tripping on words

You've got my head spinning

I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people

With nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now

I can't quite figure out

Everything she does is beautiful

Everything she does is right

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people

With nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all other people

With nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why,

I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?

And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

This is really difficult. I didn't know a relationship could be so energy-draining, mind-draining and just so complicated. It seems like other people have it so easy. I thought I would too. I mean, getting together with your childhood friend, best friend, confidante just seems so easy, so safe. Little did I know, it's so mighty difficult and helluva tiring. I'm not saying I wanna give this relationship up, I really want this relationship to last - it's not even 2 months, that's like a really short time already. I'm just looking for the cracks in it. Every relationship has it's cracks. Is it because I'm too whiny? I know I complain a hell lot. I could try cutting down, but shucks ... sometimes I just like to whine. Is it because I swear too much? Honestly, I've cut down on swearing A LOT. It used to be part of my main language. Or is it simply because of the different kind of up-bringings. I am the result of my parent's up-bringing. Judging from my personality, it's definitely not the A-grade standard. But, I'm happy the way I am. I may not read the bible unless it's Saturday or Sunday, and I may not pray unless I remember, but my parents have brought me up in a good christian environment. All the major and minor flaws in me, are the result of the choices I have made in my life. I don't know why am I explaining the reason of my current personality, or lack thereof. Seems really stupid at this point of time. I'm just gonna be straightout honest here, cause it seems easier than talking it out. I don't think I'm the kind of girl for you. Looking at you, the girl for you is probably quiet, sensitive, doesn't swear unless it's the occasional " oh shit ", presentable looking which means no piercings, no coloured and doesn't even look at a tattoo shop. I'm loud, not really sensitive, I swear a lot, I have a nose-stud which I'm not thinking of getting rid off anytime soon, I've had orange hair and I would rush into a tattoo shop and get one done on the spot. It's none of my business telling you who would be perfect for you. I'm really lucky that a guy like you would even look at me, talk to me and even fall for me. I mean, I seriously thought I would get an Ah Beng for a boyfriend and then get married to one. Boys like you seemed so " godly " to me that I didn't even dare to venture near anyone like that. This is seriously damn screwed up. I don't even know what I'm typing, it's just everything that comes to mind. When you told me today that you might breakup with me, I was already crying. It seems so easy to confidently say that I'll breakup with you if your parents or God objects to this relationship. But when I talked to you today, my heart actually hurt so badly. I actually felt angry with God, with myself and with you. It just felt so stupid, so ridiculous. I didn't know what to say. I really do love you, it's been the same all these years. But it's just so difficult to please everyone, to wait for everyone to nod their head and give the go ahead. I was pretty pissed with you for delaying the talk with your mum. I mean just talk to her, you don't have to answer her on the spot. I know she's different from my mum, but I'm sure all mum's want to see their children happy, happily attached to the person of their choice. I'm sorry for constantly bugging you to talk to her, I know you have your difficulties, I'm sorry for getting pissed at you for delaying the talk. I was being impatient and not understanding where you were coming from. This relationship has been one of the most awesome things that has happened to me this year. I'm not just gonna watch it crumble. Even though I really honestly feel like giving up cause I'm sick and tired of having to be accountable to so many people, I'm gonna try to be strong. Try to be strong for myself and for us. It's not something I wanna let go so easily. So ending off this post, I'm gonna fight for this relationship. It's cause fighting is what I do best, it's in my blood. After you read this mess of a post, we need to talk. I never imagined myself saying that but yes, we do need to talk. Lastly, I do STILL love you even though sometimes you can be a real a**hole.

I remember how you were so into punk rock, while I was into goth. We were like heaven and earth, the moon and the stars, yin and yang, black and white. So different, yet we still managed to rock each other's world. You were the best, is the best and will forever be the best. You taught me knot-tying, sudoku (even though I still have no idea how to solve one) and best of all, how to win at tai di. You were my comfort pillow, my aunt agony and my personal best friend. People may not know the bond that ran between us, they don't need to know. Cause the friendship was, is and will always be special to me. It's between you and me :) Even though I have found love, I want you to be happy for me. Happy that your buddy has found someone to share her life with. The way I have finally accepted what happened and I am truly happy you're in a better place now. I miss you a hell lot buddy, I really do.

I love you,

I really do.

Just promise me,

That you'll come home safely.

Forever,

Just a single word.

But a word people try not to use.

It encompasses,

happiness,

sadness,

regret,

anger,

trust,

faith,

love,

& commitment

10 days,

It could feel like 10 mins,

It could feel like forever.

Knowing you would be so far away,

Makes my heart feel heavy.

But I know you are there,

To do good works,

To share the word of God.

So I promise you,

That I would be here,

Waiting for you to return safely.

It's kinda like a test of love,

A test which only time will tell.