1 more month to O levels! Or to be more exact, it’s only about 27 days more. Halleluiah people. Things are staring to look bleak. I am procrastinating still and more things aren’t looking up. Oh my. But at least I can cling onto the fact that in 1 months time, I am going to be free free free. No more waking up early and enduring teachers scolding you for sleeping in class. Hurrah!

I'll Be There - Jackson 5

You and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back
Where there is love, Ill be there

Ill reach out my hand to you, Ill have faith in all you do
Just call my name and Ill be there

Ill be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you,
Im so glad that I found you
Ill be there with a love thats strong
Ill be your strength, Ill keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well thats all Im after
Whenever you need me, Ill be there
Ill be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name and Ill be there

If you should ever find someone new,
I know hed better be good to you cause if he doesnt, Ill be there
Dont you know, baby, yeah yeah
Ill be there, Ill be there, just call my name, Ill be there

Ill be there, Ill be there, whenever you need me, Ill be there
Dont you know, baby, yeah yeah
Ill be there, Ill be there, just call my name, Ill be there...

Thanks Greg. ILY too.

For a moment there I forgot.
Forgot who I was and where I was going.
For a moment I broke down, than I held it all in...
Refusing to grieve beyond this point.
Just still in a state of shock, loss, and torment.
Crying now, it feels like I've forgotten where I stood.
Where the path leads, where the circle begins again.
I'm going to try to see a part of me.
Just me and no one else.
I'm going to try to let this go, but I think a part of me never will.

Can you believe this?

I don't want to be alone anymore.

Just a bruise, a major bump in the road.

So, for a moment there I think I forgot.

Forgot to breath,

forgot to cry

forgot to bleed

forgot to die.

Confusion always plays a part.

Toying with our emotions.

Stringing them from the outside and leaving them for......

I think I forgot...

For now I don't want to remember.

Remember the way this all felt...

Forgive me for now..for I can't see past this.

Greg challenged me. To give the guitar one more try. He said I’m too caught up with other stuff and I need to try something new. The thing is, I have given up on the guitar. But that stupid BUMFAT asked me to try again. He said when he comes back next year. He’s gonna see me play. Hooboy.

School pretty much sucks. I don’t like my sitting position. Ew. Anyway school is beginning to feel so mundane. Everything is so monotone. Sigh. Don’t think anything new is going to happen. Unless one of us like decides to commit suicide out of stress. Wont that be nice.

Having stomach flu now. Which means that everything I eat, is vomited out minutes later. Sucks to be me. I want to eat, but I cant. I even had an injection and I hate injections.

Its seems so weird when you start talking to me. Its like my whole world is suddenly blocked out and I’m in a bubble. Everything that we share, I really want it to be true. But everytime I talk to you, I always doubt you. Because of this, I am also starting to doubt myself. It super hurts. I don’t want to doubt anyone.

Everytime I think I’m closer to the heart,

Of what it means to know just who I am.

I think I finally found a better place to start,

But no one never seems to understand.

Letting go is not easy. Even how hard I try, I just cannot seem to let go. Maybe he is not worth it. Maybe I don’t need a friend like him. But I just don’t know why everything turned out like this. Is it because of me? Or is it cause of him? Or is it the both of us. Its so pissy to be thinking of random reasons why it is happening or why did it happen.

Is it worth suffering over a person like him? If he is not willing to be my friend, why am I still clinging on so stupidly? Do I want to continue suffering or should I just let go and move on. Sigh, if only life were that simple. If it were then the whole world would not be suffering from heart pain.

I don’t know if your friendship is worth the pain I am suffering now.

I LOVE SINGING SAD SONGS.

You know what?! I don’t really give a shit anymore. People seem to have this warped opinion of me. You cant really change me or anything. Neither would I change myself. I may act immature and stuff. But that does not give you permission to have warped opinions of me. Why cant you just accept me for who I am?

After all these years, I know many things have happened and we ALL have changed. I know I have. Even how hard it is to accept the changed you, don’t you realize that we do still stick by each other. Yes, I honestly have been avoiding you. But you just screw up my mind. It is already very screwed up. And I don’t need you to make it worse. Even how irritating you are, I try not to show how much it is affecting me.

But I just cant take it anymore. Because its eating into me. I really want to solve this problem. But it goes so far back, I don’t know where to start. Maybe you don’t realize that I don’t judge people by how well they do in school and everything. I don’t mind if you’re a freaking big failure in life. I may not be able to accept the changed you. But I am getting used to it. Sorry, but it does take time.

Anyway, everything is screwed, I am screwed too.

To live a life of colour
To take away the blades, blood and tears
To never have heard
My own bitter screams in the night

To live a life without
Hatred for myself, my friends and family
To never have killed
My relationships with the

To live a life of love
To love and have been loved
To never have become
What I am

To live a life like yours
A virgin to depression
To never have tasted
The tears of my life

Would be bliss

(c) =gothic-anomie - deviantart

Went to send Jie off last night. I swear I was going to cry. But because of stupid pride, I didn’t. Will really miss that woman. It’s like last time when she came back and left it felt easier to let go. But I think as I grow older, it just becomes harder and harder to let the ones I love, leave. Wells but at least I know she is going to be back. But last night made me feel like I want to leave for someplace far away too. Where I can start everything new. Wells I will never have the chance though. It would all just be wishful thinking.

Didn’t go school today. Had a shitty night, cried lots. Cried lots again this morning. It does kill. But amazingly, it also does make everything seem better. Guess these few days I have been thinking lots. Not very good. But at least I have come to make a few big decisions. Yep. So that’s like time spent wisely I guess?

Anyway the picture is of my brother and I, on the way to the airport. I guess sometimes he is really pissy and stuff. But like yesterday. He bought me lunch. Free of charge. And then let me play with his phone, listen to his songs. We spent a good 2 hours acting like civilized citizens. Last time, I had always thought it would be great to see him go to the army. But now I think I am going to be the one crying buckets when he does. Even though he is taller, bigger, and more egoistic – I still love him.