Wrote this poem yesterday. While I was sitting on my bed and thinking. It is nothing great. But I like it. It says a lot about how I feel. Its one of the few poems I have done. But this is my favourite. The rest are too dark to put on my blog I guess.

Everytime I shed a tear,
I know its filled with sadness and fear.
Everytime I feel so down,
I just sit on my bed and frown.
Waiting for the world to pass by,
And sadly ask me “why do you cry?”
I just stare at them with eyes open wide,
And try to tell them how I died.
But they just don’t understand.

They never do understand.

I majorly screwed up songs today. Shucks. It was just so weird. I mean I have not gone for Basic for like econs. Then suddenly I pop out of nowhere and lead songs. I felt like I was under scrutiny of a microscope. It was horrible. Honestly, I just wanted to get away. I didn’t feel like I belong. But it is because of a contract with Greg that I would try to piece my life together again. I really want to. But I just feel like giving up too. It just kills me to know that maybe I am not the same as before.

I’m sorry that I have been acting like a huge pain. It’s just that you keep asking me questions that I don’t have the answers to. It is not that I don’t bother to answer you or that I am hiding anything. I just don’t have the answer. However much I carry on thinking, I don’t have the answer. I cannot just conjure up and answer for you, just to make the both of us happy. I know you care. I know you try very hard to be patient with me. But maybe, I’m not worth your time. I’m sorry I cannot give you the answers you want. Both of us have changed. I know I have.

I am so tempted to say that I want to give up, or that deep inside I hurt like crap. But don’t ask me why I hurt like crap, I don’t know the answer. Sometimes it is so hard to pretend that I’m fine so that you would not worry so much. Sometimes its so hard just to do anything.

When you say hey on msn, I really wonder whether this conversation is going to be a tense one, or a conversation that would lead to smiles. But I guess, these few times, the conversations end on bad notes. You either become extremely pissed with me, or I get so pissed I go offline or appear offline. Honestly, I have been appearing offline lots and lots of times. Because I am afraid that talking to you would ruin our friendship. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but its true.

When I told you about my piercing, you didn’t seem happy. You were never happy when I talked about piercings and tattoos. Maybe its just that the both of us have different views about it. But do you know, you were the first friend I told about my piercing. Sadly, only to find out that you were maybe a little pissed. Honestly, it hurt like crap. I knew you didn’t like it. But I had a hope that maybe on account of our friendship you would like maybe try to be nice about it.

But for everything that has happened, I’m sorry Luke.

I think you’re an idiot, I think your really really stupid, I think your wasting your time, I think your not only hurting yourself but others too and I think your not the person you used to be. But I know that I have no right to comment on your life, when mine is so bloody screwed up.

Greg called yesterday. As usual, I cried and wasted precious minutes. I really wish he were here to tell me that everything is going to be okay. Wells at least he understands. He told me he is not going to be back so soon. But he told me lots of things that make more sense than what others have told me. But he agreed with me that that person and I have lots of differences. I still cannot understand why that person cannot see it from my point of view. Sheesher.

Sentosa was horrible. The sun was so hot; I was holding an umbrella while the others were sun tanning. I still got a bloody tan. Stupid stupid stupid. Argh then I went to think about stuff and then got so pissed off with myself, that I almost scratched my nose stud off. And boy it hurts like hell. But not as much as when people don’t understand and don’t approve of my piercing. Anyway super tired day and also going prom-shopping tmrw. The horror.

Exams are officially over. Hurray people. Lets wave the loser flag together. Sadly, I don’t feel so happy about exams ending. I start to feel more depressed. Sheesh. Maybe it is because I know that after my exams end, I have many more things to settle. I don’t feel like settling anything. Its like opening fresh wounds and rubbing salt onto it. Painful.

Going to Sentosa with Pearl, Denise and Hwee Ping now. I should be happy that at least I can go out. But I don’t want to sunburn. It hurts. Crap. Anyway I’m just going there to have some fun in the sun. So many things to think about.

I actually thought you understood. But I guess you and I have absolutely different opinions of what life should be. I cannot understand why you cannot accept me for who I am. All my life, I have always tried to fit in. I thought you understood how I felt. You even told me I’m fine the way I am. Guess I was wrong dude. I was seriously wrong.

Honestly, I have nothing else to say. But just that I miss you. All those happy times are just in memory now. I never thought things would come to this. Because if this drags on any longer. I really don’t know what I will do. You have always been there for me. I thank you for that. But now, maybe both of us have move on in life. We don’t communicate as much. There isn’t much ‘feel’ left. You are having fun where you are now. Thats good for you.

Miss you dude.

Dear everyone,

First of all you need to know that this is not your fault,
It's mine, for I locked my problem inside me like a vault,
Problems that I was never able to tell you,
Problems that I'm sick of dealing with.
I'm through.

I'm sick of pretending that everything's alright,
I'm sick of having all these emotional demons to fight.
I can't take my depressing life anymore,
I realize I felt this way too often before.

I now know I'm not needed in this place,
Just another stupid teen, just another ugly face.
I can tell I'm secretly hated by everyone I know,
Though, when I'm around, they don't let their hatred show.

My life has no purpose as I can clearly see,
No one needs me and everyone hates me
I hate this world I live in, I hate how I feel now.
I try so hard to be accepted, but I don't know how.

I hate my reputation.
So I'm ending my life, my wrists I will cut.
I want you two to know, that I really do love you,
But I hate my life too much, this is the only thing to do.

Suicide's the perfect escape for my problems to go away,
I don't think anyone will miss me, anyway.
Maybe, somewhere there's someone who loves me
But I couldn't find them soon enough so now I must flee.

Maybe, my life's not that bad, maybe this is all in my head.
But it's too late to tell me that, by the time you find that I'll be dead.

I'm sorry it has to end this way, I'm sorry if you cry,
But I think this world will be better off,
If I die..

Goodbye.

I’m scared about what is going to happen after I graduate from secondary school. I’m scared that my results are not up to standard and that things won’t go the way I planned them to. I’m scared that maybe everything that I have now and hold dear will just disappear into thin air. I’m scared about things that I don’t know of. I’m scared about staying alone at home now.

It has not been an easy month for me. Things I never thought would happen just happened and made my world come crashing down. It never occurred to me that life is just that unpredictable. I never thought it would happen. I don’t want it to happen. But there is nothing I can do to turn back time and erase what has happened. Nor can I face my feelings. When people ask “Are you alright?” I just give a smile and say yes. Its so easy to deny feeling but just so hard to face them and the pain that follows along. I cannot accept the fact that you are no longer around. It hurts.

Exams are coming to an end. Came so fast, over so fast. What happens after, only God knows. I don’t want to know what happens after. I’m afraid of what is going to happen after. Aren’t you?

Only 7 more days to O levels. I don’t know if I can make it through the week. Its just so tiring. I wonder how the others still have energy to go out and stuff. I don’t even feel like leaving my room. To add to the pain, my study break has been taken away. That’s cause I only passed 4 subjects out of the 6 subjects I take. That means I have to go school next week while some of my classmates have their study break. Sigh. Makes me feel loser-ish and stupid too.

My brother seems to have his whole holiday planned out. I don’t even have any plans for mine. Other than going out with my friends to buy my prom stuff. After prom, its like nothing much to do. Gah. Wells then I can just spend more time with my bed and pillows. Sounds great though. But I don’t know why… I just feel so empty. Its like there is something missing within me. I don’t know whats missing. Or maybe its just me.

Everything is happening so fast. I do not even have time to digest the things that are happening around me. I can only feel the pain. Why must things that I dread happen now? Why must my parents have ideas of changing church? Why?!