Feel The Freedom

2011-01-10T23:48:00.000+08:00

hey whoever reads this blog :) moved to http://sundayiscoming.tumblr.com

2010-12-07T00:43:00.001+08:00

ALWAYS

2010-11-29T21:58:00.000+08:00

2010-11-15T22:40:00.001+08:00

This picture says everything :)
Happy 9th L&C day <3

2010-11-08T22:41:00.003+08:00

YOU GUYS ARE THE BOMB.

I chose the photo above cause there are 3 socks.

One for Marion, Charis and me!

You guys have been the major part of my life.

Even though ONE of us is far away,

It doesn't change the friendship we have.

Many years ago,

We had this really childish quarrel.

I don't even remember what it was now.

But I know that it has brought us closer.

Anyway thanks for everything.

Marion:

18 years and counting.

Has been amazing.

But please come home quick.

We need to talk,

Eat cheesecake,

Eat sakae,

Talk somemore,

Take tons of photos

And do so many things more :)

Just come back.

Charis:

Only about a day more.

One important part of your life.

Remember we're always there.

Do your best.

You always top everything you do :)

It's gonna be fine.

Worry less, pray more.

God's always there for you too.

We will partaee soon!

Look forward to it.

All the best smartass <3

2010-10-31T22:49:00.006+08:00

Halloween in Singapore is ridonkculous. I'm serious! Asians have no idea what halloween is all about. All they do is make costumes shorter, tighter and wear lesser. It's like skank party. SAD. Then people spend halloween meeting up with mates, drinking and getting themselves dead drunk. Only to have their not-so-drunk friends drag them home by their underwear. How classy. What is the point of going clubbing when people just get dead drunk? Clubbing is fine, but people need to know how to club smart. Anyway halloween just gives people the privillage of sauntering through places wearing their towels, underwear and better off .. men in skin-tight tutus. Priceless. Do you know how scary it is to be walking around and suddenly you see a man wearing a tutu?! It freaked the hell out of me. Like hello, God made you a man. Please don't disappoint Him. There are kids around! What would they grow up thinking? Poor kids, scary childhood.

In conclusion, halloween in Singapore is kinda wasted. It seems like all people do is go drinking and then scream in random people's faces. And no I do not enjoy having people scream in my face and their saliva flying all over me. Save the spittle for someone else who would enjoy it more. Don't waste it on me. And yes to those strangers who asked if I was old enough, I AM 18 PEOPLE. Don't rain on my parade. I'm young but I have a mind of my own. I don't mind dressing up, meeting with friends, sit down and have a good drink. But please don't bring me to clarke quay clubbing anymore. It scared the crap out of me. Not worth the emotional trauma.

2010-09-03T01:50:00.004+08:00

I am thankful for everything I have experienced
In this life of mine
For in all I have found
That in His Word-the answers I find

I am thankful for all the tears I have cried
For they have taught me to appreciate laughter
They have given me the ability to see the
The joy that comes after

Through my tears I have come to know
His Holy Spirit in my life
How He is always there
And comforts through the strife

I am thankful for the storms I have encountered
Knowing that the rainbow is at the end
Realization that they are only temporal
That with time all will mend

I have learned that I don’t need to be strong
For Yahshua supplies the strength for me
He shoulders my burdens
Regardless of what the circumstance may be

I am thankful for all the relationships
For the good and yes, for the bad
For they have given life to my emotions
An appreciation of what I have had

My most valuable relationship
Is that with Yahweh, my Father
I know that I can trust Him
As I can trust no other

I am thankful for the pain I have known
It has given a compassion for the suffering
An ability to reach out to others
An appreciation of little things

I understand the greatness of Yahshuas love
And the pain He has suffered for me
How He endured all things
So that I could be set free

I am thankful for the hunger and thirst
That I have had to go through
I appreciate having food before me
And sharing it with others too

He has given himself as my food and drink
To make sure that I was fed
His Blood shed for my drink
And His Body broken for my bread

Most of all, I am thankful for His Grace
For the provisions that it brings
How it has provided for
Me in all things

Kathleen Shelton Poulson

2010-08-22T21:56:00.002+08:00

Dear army boy(s),

I understand that it is extremely interesting
& fabby to be in the army.
All the obstacle courses,
field camps,
funny encounters in the nurse's office,
and many others.
But sometimes,
I just hope you guy would
just shaddup about it.
Talking about it once in a while is
FINE.
But,
talking about it constantly,
repeating it over and over again
every time you meet your other friends
is just simply annoying.
Even though no one says anything,
deep down inside,
we just wanna give you a huge-ass punch,
and tell you to change the topic.
It was funny to hear all the stories
you guys had to share.
But I just hope
that maybe,
you would think of the people around you.
Your friends,
girlfriends,
and maybe parents
who have been tolerating you all these while.
There are so many other topics to talk about
that everyone can participate in.
So please,
please,
please.
Think about the people around you.
Army stories are great,
but not too much.
It just makes us feel
unwelcomed,
unwanted
and sometimes plain lousy.
So do us that favor ya?

Lovelove,
Clare (:

2010-07-15T23:47:00.000+08:00

It's the 5th L&C day
I still do love you

2010-07-14T23:40:00.002+08:00

i hope so too

2010-06-07T22:51:00.000+08:00

maybe, baby

2010-05-22T20:55:00.002+08:00

I can't seem to be doing anything right these days :( screwed up projects, not watching my language, being late for school, doing everything else except the things I need to do and worse of all, not being understanding to other people's feelings :( honestly, I don't really mean to. But that is the worse excuse of all, because you do to others what you want other to do unto you.

I'm really sorry. I keep repeating and promising to stop talking about you :( but I just can't seem to keep that promise. Deep down I know that it hurts you when I talk about it, but do I shut up ... NO :( you're really important to me, and yet I can't seem to realise you're pissed with me. I feel like such a loser. I know whatever I say would not make anything right. Cause I was being an idiot and hurting you time and time again.

It's gonna be my 18th birthday, big day. However, it seems like it's gonna be one of the suckiest birthday ever. Cause I constant keep hurting the people around me, the people I love. F :(

2010-05-22T00:12:00.002+08:00

3 MONTHS
& counting

2010-05-02T03:01:00.000+08:00

Remember the promise we made? That we'll work everything thing out together. These few months, have been really hectic for us. Especially with school and everything else. Honestly, there were so many times that I doubted myself, you and us. But it's the little obstacles we face, the various questions that go through our minds, the many mistakes we make, the time we spend together and the conversations we had that just make me come to realise that I love you more and more each day. It's the little things that have happened that have made me realise how important you are to me. Thinking about it, I do feel confident to say that I'll love you ... forever. It seems like a very short time to be able to determine that, but everyday I daydream about us, forever. Pretty corny, but true :)

2010-05-02T02:21:00.003+08:00

You & Me - Lifehouse

What day is it?

And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up and I can't back down

I've been losing so much time

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people

With nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

One of the things that I want to say

Just aren't coming out right

I'm tripping on words

You've got my head spinning

I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people

With nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now

I can't quite figure out

Everything she does is beautiful

Everything she does is right

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people

With nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all other people

With nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why,

I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?

And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

2010-04-08T03:57:00.000+08:00

This is really difficult. I didn't know a relationship could be so energy-draining, mind-draining and just so complicated. It seems like other people have it so easy. I thought I would too. I mean, getting together with your childhood friend, best friend, confidante just seems so easy, so safe. Little did I know, it's so mighty difficult and helluva tiring. I'm not saying I wanna give this relationship up, I really want this relationship to last - it's not even 2 months, that's like a really short time already. I'm just looking for the cracks in it. Every relationship has it's cracks. Is it because I'm too whiny? I know I complain a hell lot. I could try cutting down, but shucks ... sometimes I just like to whine. Is it because I swear too much? Honestly, I've cut down on swearing A LOT. It used to be part of my main language. Or is it simply because of the different kind of up-bringings. I am the result of my parent's up-bringing. Judging from my personality, it's definitely not the A-grade standard. But, I'm happy the way I am. I may not read the bible unless it's Saturday or Sunday, and I may not pray unless I remember, but my parents have brought me up in a good christian environment. All the major and minor flaws in me, are the result of the choices I have made in my life. I don't know why am I explaining the reason of my current personality, or lack thereof. Seems really stupid at this point of time. I'm just gonna be straightout honest here, cause it seems easier than talking it out. I don't think I'm the kind of girl for you. Looking at you, the girl for you is probably quiet, sensitive, doesn't swear unless it's the occasional " oh shit ", presentable looking which means no piercings, no coloured and doesn't even look at a tattoo shop. I'm loud, not really sensitive, I swear a lot, I have a nose-stud which I'm not thinking of getting rid off anytime soon, I've had orange hair and I would rush into a tattoo shop and get one done on the spot. It's none of my business telling you who would be perfect for you. I'm really lucky that a guy like you would even look at me, talk to me and even fall for me. I mean, I seriously thought I would get an Ah Beng for a boyfriend and then get married to one. Boys like you seemed so " godly " to me that I didn't even dare to venture near anyone like that. This is seriously damn screwed up. I don't even know what I'm typing, it's just everything that comes to mind. When you told me today that you might breakup with me, I was already crying. It seems so easy to confidently say that I'll breakup with you if your parents or God objects to this relationship. But when I talked to you today, my heart actually hurt so badly. I actually felt angry with God, with myself and with you. It just felt so stupid, so ridiculous. I didn't know what to say. I really do love you, it's been the same all these years. But it's just so difficult to please everyone, to wait for everyone to nod their head and give the go ahead. I was pretty pissed with you for delaying the talk with your mum. I mean just talk to her, you don't have to answer her on the spot. I know she's different from my mum, but I'm sure all mum's want to see their children happy, happily attached to the person of their choice. I'm sorry for constantly bugging you to talk to her, I know you have your difficulties, I'm sorry for getting pissed at you for delaying the talk. I was being impatient and not understanding where you were coming from. This relationship has been one of the most awesome things that has happened to me this year. I'm not just gonna watch it crumble. Even though I really honestly feel like giving up cause I'm sick and tired of having to be accountable to so many people, I'm gonna try to be strong. Try to be strong for myself and for us. It's not something I wanna let go so easily. So ending off this post, I'm gonna fight for this relationship. It's cause fighting is what I do best, it's in my blood. After you read this mess of a post, we need to talk. I never imagined myself saying that but yes, we do need to talk. Lastly, I do STILL love you even though sometimes you can be a real a**hole.

2010-03-25T23:18:00.002+08:00

I remember how you were so into punk rock, while I was into goth. We were like heaven and earth, the moon and the stars, yin and yang, black and white. So different, yet we still managed to rock each other's world. You were the best, is the best and will forever be the best. You taught me knot-tying, sudoku (even though I still have no idea how to solve one) and best of all, how to win at tai di. You were my comfort pillow, my aunt agony and my personal best friend. People may not know the bond that ran between us, they don't need to know. Cause the friendship was, is and will always be special to me. It's between you and me :) Even though I have found love, I want you to be happy for me. Happy that your buddy has found someone to share her life with. The way I have finally accepted what happened and I am truly happy you're in a better place now. I miss you a hell lot buddy, I really do.

2010-03-22T23:05:00.002+08:00

I love you,

I really do.

Just promise me,

That you'll come home safely.

2010-03-17T10:31:00.002+08:00

Forever,

Just a single word.

But a word people try not to use.

It encompasses,

happiness,

sadness,

regret,

anger,

trust,

faith,

love,

& commitment

2010-03-12T00:08:00.000+08:00

2010-03-11T23:34:00.002+08:00

10 days,

It could feel like 10 mins,

It could feel like forever.

Knowing you would be so far away,

Makes my heart feel heavy.

But I know you are there,

To do good works,

To share the word of God.

So I promise you,

That I would be here,

Waiting for you to return safely.

It's kinda like a test of love,

A test which only time will tell.

2010-02-16T22:45:00.002+08:00

Happiness,

It's not something easily found,

It's not something I thought I would find.

But wow,

Little did I know that happiness was right beside me.

Beside me right from the very start.

2010-01-14T22:54:00.002+08:00

Would there ever be a "we"?

Sometimes I daydream about a time,

A time of looking into your eyes,

A time of joy and happiness,

A time of holding hands,

A time of hugs and kisses,

A time of love,

A time of you and me.

2010-01-10T21:55:00.006+08:00

"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can never close your heart to the things you don't want to feel."

It makes you think, what about that feeling of regret you had. If I told my friend how much I missed him before it was too late, would he still be around for me to confide in? It makes you think about that anger you harboured against someone who didn't deserve it. If I had calmed down and slowly talked it out with my friend, would our relationship be so strained or to the point of breaking apart? It makes you think about that time of sadness you tried to hide away from friends and family. If I had shared how depressed I felt, would I still be having flashbacks of what happened? It makes you think of that time you felt a spark of love for a special someone. If I had told the person how I felt, would our relationship have grown, or would it have soured because of the mistake I made. So many unanswered questions in my life, so many different answers to each and everyone of them. Questions that will haunt me forever, and answers that will keep me thinking - "What if?"

Picture taken by, Lim.

2009-12-02T02:06:00.001+08:00

I'm afraid I can't make it.
Will you hold my hand and walk with me?
Or will you neglct me when you see the obstacles upahead.
Will you tell me it's gonna be okay?
Or will you crush my withering confidence.
Will you hold me close when I'm falling?
Or will you laugh when I fall.
Will you support my decisions?
Or will you tell me I'm wrong.
Will you be there for me?
Or do I have to go through this myself.

2009-12-02T01:47:00.003+08:00

FEAR

The fear of flying insects,

The fear of the absence of light

The fear of happy people,

The fear of emotions.

The fear of hidden smiles,

The fear of masked feelings.

The fear of losing something,

The fear of regret.

The fear of everything new,

The fear of change.

The fear of knowing,

The fear of not knowing.

The fear of my own thoughts,

The fear of ohers thoughts.

The fear of things to come,

The fear of the past.

The fear of falling,

The fear of flying.

The fear of pride,

The fear of shame.

The fear of love,

The fear of hate.

2009-11-05T01:39:00.002+08:00

Written on: 3 November 2009

Seeing your classmates outrightly shun you, purposely changing seats to avoid sitting with you - PRICELESS

I may not look like I care about the way people look at me,but it really hurts. You don't know me, but you judge me. I feel like a caged animal put in the spotlightfor people to criticise and humiliate. I'm human too, I have feelings. The feeling of sitting alone in class is too painful to describe. Its like I don't have friends that I can call my own. All I want to know is what have I done to deserve this. Am I too anti-social, not pretty enough, or just too weird for some people. It hurts so bad, but I don't think you guys even bother to care about my feelings. Because I'm only the anti-social girl, sitting alone at the back of the class. Hope you're happy, idiots.

2009-11-01T23:48:00.002+08:00

I believe in faries, pixies, stardust and all this magical. I believe that when you put your tooth under the pillow, the toothfairy will exchange it for a golden coin. I believe that in the middle of every flower, is a fairy baby waking up every morning. I believe in cute, old garden gnomes. I believe in fairy rings. I believe in the magic of stardust, that it can make all wishes come true.

But most importantly, I believe in the unconditional love that God has showed me, and the love between his people.

2009-10-14T23:29:00.004+08:00

Rain,
A refreshing shower,

A heavy downpour.

A hint of thunder,

A spark of lightning.

Windows closing,

Umbrellas going up.

Two friends playing together,

Memories that last forever.

2009-10-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

My eyebrows may not be perfectly arched,

My lips might look a little too parched,

My eyes could hold a tad too much fear,

My looks may not land me a modeling career,

My clothing sometimes doesn’t follow the trend,

My personality, you may not comprehend,

My fingernail polish might slightly be chipped,

My life may not follow the teenager script,

My skin tone may seem a little too pale,

My habits might make me appear rather frail,

However, I’d rather be ugly through and through,

If perfect meant I was just like you.

2009-10-04T01:07:00.002+08:00

It hurts to think about you and all the memories we had together. The strong bond of friendship we had. When I'm lonely, I think about you so much that sometimes I could feel that your right beside me. Sometimes I just stare at the computer screen and wish that you would come online. Msn is getting so over-rated now. It's either used for arguing with people, or disturbing them.

Anyway I hope that you are happy wherever you are. Must be pretty nice up there. Hope you miss me, cause I really miss you too. I simply wish you were here for me to rant to. Its not easy to find a friend that listens to you. I got a new song on my ipod. Its 'Making Memories Of Us'. I keep listening to it on loop, because it reminds me of you. MISS YOU! D:

2009-09-22T17:41:00.005+08:00

To all guys out there,

Please don't hurt my friends.

Don't rip out their hearts,

And throw it against the wall.

They are just innocent people,

Seeking love in this cruel world.

It breaks my heart,

When they come crying to me,

And telling me all the things you did.

'Cause if you hurt them,

I will ensure you never forget me.

Don't even bother trying,

Cause if you do,

You'll never be able to try again.

Thanks :]

2009-08-18T01:10:00.001+08:00

If you think you understand me,

Think again.

If you think you like me,

Think again.

If you think I like you,

Think again.

If you think I'm happy,

Think again.

If you think I worry too much,

Think again.

If you think I have friends,

Think again.

If you think I'm a lonely soul,

Think again.

If you think I'm in love,

Think again.

If you think you know me,

Think again,

Or just don't think at all.

2009-08-15T01:16:00.003+08:00

Hello,

Quit asking me if I'm alright. Because it is so obvious I'm not. How can I be alright, when so many things are going against me? It feels like my heart has been picked up and thrown against a wall.

I never expected you to be such a bitch. I had always thought you were someone who cherished friendship. But I was wrong, dead wrong. You made use of me and then left me to clean up the mess.

But I got to thank you for opening my eyes to this part of life. Where friends pick you up and throw you against the wall. Now I know how shallow and how blinded you are.

Goodbye girl.

2009-07-08T21:50:00.003+08:00

I guard things most precious

In a heart made of glass,

Its guarded by my doubts and fears

Do you dare to pass?

If you do somehow break though

To my most precious thoughts,

And those its clear I hold so dear

Whether happy or distraught.

Would you give me peace of mind

And stay to me so true,

Or would you grasp onto my heart

And shatter it in two?

My fragile state, my dreary mind

Sealed away for eternity,

Lest you dare to venture in

And find my heart’s key

Approaching that I hold so dear

Please don’t dare leave me torn,

My heart in pieces on the ground

And my spirit so forlorn.

deviantart - =Amphy (c)

2009-06-23T23:00:00.002+08:00

Everytime I strum my blue guitar, my heart cracks a little and it bleeds. I always wonder when would it be when my heart would not suffer anymore. However, I never want to forget about you. Because when you were around, it was the best time of my life. You made me whole, you lit up my life and showed me how to love. But most importantly, you taught me how to smile.

When you gave me your blue guitar, it just made me feel like the most special person in the whole world. You whispered in my ear that you would always be there everytime I play the guitar. But when you left me, I did not have the strength to pick up the guitar and play. It just hurt so badly everytime I thought of you.

But boy, I have finally got the strength and courage to pick my my guitar. I always pray that you could be beside me and helping me. But all I hope now, is that you are proud of me when I make an improvement. Cause everytime I strum the guitar now, I feel the love you had for me and my heart just heals.

I still love you.

2009-05-09T01:14:00.004+08:00

One day I hope to meet you again.

But till that day arrives,

I'll be all alone.

You understood me,

All my pain and anguish.

You were there when I was happy,

When I was sad.

When I felt like punching something,

You always offered your body,

And I'm sorry I hit you hard.

Now that you've left,

Sorrow is overwhelming,

Darkness is everywhere.

You were the one that drove it away,

You made everything feel alright.

You were my light, strength and life.

But now it's all gone,

And I can never get out of this dark abyss I'm in,

Not until you hold me close again.

For you boy,

With all my love.

2009-04-27T21:39:00.003+08:00

Everytime I look over my shoulder, I always had the hope of seeing you. Cause boy, do you know how much I miss you. Almost everything I do reminds me of you. Sometimes tear flow down my cheeks at night, tears that show how much you meant to me. Nothing can make up how much I miss you, no amount of tears can suffice. You mean the world to me but sadly, we can't share the wonders of the world anymore together. What you did was very stupid and hurtful.

Poly is so busy. All the hustle and bustle of school. People walking here and there on their way to different destinations. However, despite how busy school is, I always have the time to stop and think about you. Everytime people ask me about the ring on my finger, I think about you and I smile a sad smile 'cause I know that things will never be the same again. Even with new friends and a new part of life, I will never forget the old memories. There is always a hole in my heart that is in the shape of you.

2009-04-05T23:07:00.002+08:00

Do you miss me? I miss you everytime it rains heavily. I felt miserable, lonely, bitter and wet. I keppt seeing your face in my mind telling me lots of things. But all I want to know is if you miss me. Cause i know i bloody hell do miss you. I'm missing you so much I'm doing things I never thought I would do. I'm missing you so much that it just simply hurts.

Sadly, it makes me kinda hate you for leaving like this. I've thought of so many ways for up to part. But never did I imagine that we would part like this. I feel like the worst friend on earth, because I could not tell that you were sad. I would trade many many things just to have you back. But I know that will never ever happen. Even if I can trade things to have you back, it would never be the same. Its just like a cup that had been broken. Even how you glue it back to fix it, it would never be the same. The cup would always have cracks.

2009-03-27T22:38:00.008+08:00

Do you remember when we used to sit on the stairs and blow bubbles into the air. You used to tease me for having asthma and that my bubbles were only half-sized. I miss holding your hand and blowing the bubbles together. We would go to Toys R Us and buy the biggest bottle on the shelf. We would then finish blowing the whole bottle in a week. I cannot believe how much I miss you. I keep wondering if things would be different if you were still around. Would you actually tell me you loved me? Would you hold my hand like you used to? Would we blow bubbles together? Would we still meet at un-earthly hours just to do our "stuff"? Would you still call me "Xiao Mi"?

I don't ever want to let you go.

2009-03-13T22:30:00.006+08:00

Went to watch Disney on ice today. Kinda brought me back to the times when I was a kid, all those childish wishes and dreams. But I guess now, it all seems meaningless.

What's the point wishing when deep down, you know its never gonna happen. Like wishing for the grades you want - they never came true, or I would be in a JC now. Like wishing your bestest friend knew how much she means to you and that you would do anything not to hurt her. Like wishing you could keep all the people you love close to your heart and that you would neverever lose them. Like wishing you could have the courage to tell this friend you drifted away from, that he reallyreally means alot to you and that you would do anything to reverse time. Like wishing my friend never left me alone to handle all the hurt I've felt.

Dreaming is another thing altogether. Dreams are super unrealistic and very wrong. It manipulates the mind to think that everything is going to be alright and that life would be smooth-sailing. But welcome to the real world, where dreams are for losers. Unfortunately I'm the biggest loser who spends most of her time dreaming. I realised that however much I dreamed, these dreams would only be like bubbles - never real to the touch and they burst easily.

2009-03-10T22:56:00.001+08:00

Hey boy,

Have I ever told you how much you mean to me?
How you make my heart beat faster everytime you smile?
How you appear in my daydreams and nightmares?
How you seem ever-so sweet and gentlemanly?
How you seem to make a rainbow form with just light wave?
How you confuse me with your mixed signals?
How you touch my shoulder and all hurt just disappears?
How you lead me out of darkness with just a word?
How your eyes twinkle when your happpy?
How much I think about you everyday?
How much I love you - even though its wrong?

Wells, I guess I forgot.

2009-03-07T21:59:00.000+08:00

If I hung myself from the rafters,

Would you love me then?

If I bled to death in my tub,

Would you cry for me?

If I died for you,

Would you still love me?

If I cut my face,

Would you call me beautiful?

If I froze to death,

Would you miss me?

If I bled for you,

Would you still love me?

If I told you how much pain you’ve caused,

Would you say you’re sorry?

2009-02-27T23:05:00.000+08:00

A hug can say a thousand words

A hug can say a single word

A hug can mean a thousand things

A hug can mean completely nothing

A hug can be intentional

A hug can be accidental

A hug can tell everything

A hug can tell not a word

A hug is all of these and much more

A hug is all I yearn
(c) ngsiahying

2009-02-23T23:17:00.000+08:00

If we were meant to be together, our lives would be miraculously intertwined. We could start out as total strangers, or even enemies and still end up as lovers. Tis is how the fate of lovers work. How ever strong the opposition is or how hard the obstacles are, we would go through thick and thin together, facing all the odds. You may not like the first impression you have of me, or I may hate you 'cause of the way you look but deep down inside, we know that we were meant for each other.

2009-02-15T23:33:00.001+08:00

Valentine’s day means nothing to me

People run around looking for gifts

Candy, flowers, cards or stuffed animals

It’s nothing but sentimental bull shit

Artificial love and artificial feelings

What shows love like cards or candy?

Actual words, actual feelings and emotions

But that’s all lost

No one believes in it anymore

They believe in candy, cards, and flowers

And sentimental emotions and feelings

Heart shaped candy

Heart shaped chocolates

A secret admirer confessing their love

That’s all meaningless

For once in my life

I would like something more

I want something more out of that day

I want someone to prove that they love me

Tell me in their own words

Don’t send me chocolates, flowers, or cards

Because I won't pay attention

That stuff doesn’t catch my attention

It doesn’t show your true affection!

For Valentine’s day all I want is to be loved

2009-01-30T23:18:00.004+08:00

Going down the road of life,

Imagining it without you,

Thought you'd be by my side,

Walking together just us two.

We found our way together,

Through the mazes we walked,

You wiped away my tears,

So we laughed and we talked.

Wishing I could freeze time,

As impossible as that task,

My heart is breaking but,

For you to stay I won't ask.

Our amazing road of life,

Is slowly splitting apart,

The memories I won't forget,

But I do need a new start.

As I try to keep this smile,

Tears are coming I won't lie,

But let us laugh one more time,

For this final goodbye.

Deviantart (c) ~ forleafclovgrl

2009-01-04T00:55:00.002+08:00

I like it in the rain,

Cause no one can see I'm crying.

All the pain is hidden,
While I'm slowly dying.

The streaks on my face,

I can blame the rain.

Hiding the lies,

And masking the pain.

The fear in my eyes,

Is the only trace.

As the rain clears away,

Every tear from my face.

The water slowly drips,

Dwon from my hair.

In the rain,

No one need to know I'm there.

Soaked to the skin,

Every part of me.

I love being in the rain,

As I'm finally free.

2008-12-17T00:48:00.004+08:00

I miss you lots. Every morning I wake up, I would look at my phone and wish you would sms me good morning. But as the day gets longer, it dawns on me that you are no longer around and that I would never get to hear you or see you again. I want to tell you everything that has been happening to me but you never seem to be around to listen. Remember the time we sat at Gombak on the rocks, eating ice-cream, you said you would listen forever. All I am asking now is not for you to listen to me, I am just asking for you to tell me the reason why you left. I can never seem to figure out why you left. Everytime I tell people about you, I would cry because I miss you lots and I regret not being there for you.

Im sorry buddy.

2008-12-13T23:09:00.002+08:00

Count the things,

That are wrong with your life,

And you would be counting forever,

As you juggle your feelings,

Careful,

Dont let them break,

As you journey to the centre,

Of nothing,

And thoughts bounce,

And hit,

Wanting to be heard,

Wanting you to feel something,

Anything,

Pain is in the mind,

But that doesnt stop it hurting,

As shards of happiness,

And hope,

Lie at my feet,

And everything is busy,

Inside my head,

Cant find myself,

HELP ME,

Lost in all the thoughts,

Whats real?

Whats not?

What is the world coming to?

What am I coming to?

Fading,

Empty,

Its coming,

I'm afraid,

So afraid.

2008-12-13T22:02:00.002+08:00

Basic camp was a really difficult time for me. I never knew that I would actually experience so much pain during this camp. I never wanted to go for the camp. But I'm also very sorry to those people who are so disappointed with me. I'm really sorry. I thought I could be transformed during this camp. Guess it only happened for the first night. Because when I came back from malaysia everything sorta became what it was at first. I cannot seem to feel God around anymore. Anyway I dont think others need to know how much I hurt cause some people dont care.

Malaysia was just funny. I went go-karting and I crashed really badly. Hurt really bad too. Maybe I really dont have any driving sense. I suck at ping-pong too. Apparently my whole family can play ping-pong except me. Smart.

The following weeks are gonna be really long. I can sense that in the weeks to come, it aint gonna be great. But what can I do?

2008-11-30T01:25:00.006+08:00

Night cycling was fun. It was super duper challenging but it turned out great. Had a through body work out. Was perspiring like mad. However, I don’t seem to be able to control the lower part of my body. Hurts like hell.

Saw the sunrise at East Coast - reminds me of the time when him and I sat there and talked about the future. He wanted to become a taxi driver then. He said it was the most hardworking job on earth. It was the job that you would put your heart, soul and mind into. But now, he would never be able to become a taxi driver. When I saw the sunrise, I just missed him so badly. It was as if my heart broke into two. I guess I am still not able to accept the fact that he is no longer around for me to talk to, for me to go out with or for me to even tell him how great a friend he was. Its just so difficult. I thought I was getting to accept that fact. But after I saw the sunrise, it just opened all the fresh wounds and all the memories. I really regret, I really do.

I need help with the guitar.

Someone please please help.

I feel like giving up already.

2008-11-26T22:58:00.006+08:00

It’s sad
That I wake up in the morning
And then get out of bed
There’s no point
If I’ve got nothing to do
It’s sad

It’s sad
That I’ve got a closet
Full of bones
I’ll never show
Sad I went through what I did
I don’t wish it on anyone
But it happens
It’s sad

It’s sad
That I"d hurt myself
I turn emotions
Into cuts and bruises
I make myself bleed
And I suppose
It’s sad

It’s sad
That I hate myself
I know it’s sad because I cry
And that’s a sure sign that
Things aren’t as they should be
I’m sad…that I’m fucking sad

It’s sad

2008-11-25T22:55:00.000+08:00

Finally, a break from work – super tired. Talked to Greg today, he called because he had extra break time. His exams are almost over I guess, cause he is complaining less. Told him how bored and lonely I am now cause Pearlyn is in Aussie now and others don’t seem to want to spend time with me. I miss our arcade-hopping trips. I talked to Alyce too. She sent me an email and some photos she did using Photoshop. She photoshopped my picture into the ones she and Greg too. I look tiny. We look like a family! Really wish I could be there with them. But now I guess I can just be contented with looking at pictures. Its ain't that bad I guess.

2008-11-23T00:30:00.002+08:00

Wrote this poem yesterday. While I was sitting on my bed and thinking. It is nothing great. But I like it. It says a lot about how I feel. Its one of the few poems I have done. But this is my favourite. The rest are too dark to put on my blog I guess.

Everytime I shed a tear,
I know its filled with sadness and fear.
Everytime I feel so down,
I just sit on my bed and frown.
Waiting for the world to pass by,
And sadly ask me “why do you cry?”
I just stare at them with eyes open wide,
And try to tell them how I died.
But they just don’t understand.

They never do understand.

2008-11-23T00:20:00.011+08:00

I majorly screwed up songs today. Shucks. It was just so weird. I mean I have not gone for Basic for like econs. Then suddenly I pop out of nowhere and lead songs. I felt like I was under scrutiny of a microscope. It was horrible. Honestly, I just wanted to get away. I didn’t feel like I belong. But it is because of a contract with Greg that I would try to piece my life together again. I really want to. But I just feel like giving up too. It just kills me to know that maybe I am not the same as before.

2008-11-16T01:25:00.002+08:00

I’m sorry that I have been acting like a huge pain. It’s just that you keep asking me questions that I don’t have the answers to. It is not that I don’t bother to answer you or that I am hiding anything. I just don’t have the answer. However much I carry on thinking, I don’t have the answer. I cannot just conjure up and answer for you, just to make the both of us happy. I know you care. I know you try very hard to be patient with me. But maybe, I’m not worth your time. I’m sorry I cannot give you the answers you want. Both of us have changed. I know I have.

I am so tempted to say that I want to give up, or that deep inside I hurt like crap. But don’t ask me why I hurt like crap, I don’t know the answer. Sometimes it is so hard to pretend that I’m fine so that you would not worry so much. Sometimes its so hard just to do anything.

When you say hey on msn, I really wonder whether this conversation is going to be a tense one, or a conversation that would lead to smiles. But I guess, these few times, the conversations end on bad notes. You either become extremely pissed with me, or I get so pissed I go offline or appear offline. Honestly, I have been appearing offline lots and lots of times. Because I am afraid that talking to you would ruin our friendship. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but its true.

When I told you about my piercing, you didn’t seem happy. You were never happy when I talked about piercings and tattoos. Maybe its just that the both of us have different views about it. But do you know, you were the first friend I told about my piercing. Sadly, only to find out that you were maybe a little pissed. Honestly, it hurt like crap. I knew you didn’t like it. But I had a hope that maybe on account of our friendship you would like maybe try to be nice about it.

But for everything that has happened, I’m sorry Luke.

2008-11-13T00:58:00.004+08:00

I think you’re an idiot, I think your really really stupid, I think your wasting your time, I think your not only hurting yourself but others too and I think your not the person you used to be. But I know that I have no right to comment on your life, when mine is so bloody screwed up.

Greg called yesterday. As usual, I cried and wasted precious minutes. I really wish he were here to tell me that everything is going to be okay. Wells at least he understands. He told me he is not going to be back so soon. But he told me lots of things that make more sense than what others have told me. But he agreed with me that that person and I have lots of differences. I still cannot understand why that person cannot see it from my point of view. Sheesher.

Sentosa was horrible. The sun was so hot; I was holding an umbrella while the others were sun tanning. I still got a bloody tan. Stupid stupid stupid. Argh then I went to think about stuff and then got so pissed off with myself, that I almost scratched my nose stud off. And boy it hurts like hell. But not as much as when people don’t understand and don’t approve of my piercing. Anyway super tired day and also going prom-shopping tmrw. The horror.

2008-11-12T10:24:00.001+08:00

Exams are officially over. Hurray people. Lets wave the loser flag together. Sadly, I don’t feel so happy about exams ending. I start to feel more depressed. Sheesh. Maybe it is because I know that after my exams end, I have many more things to settle. I don’t feel like settling anything. Its like opening fresh wounds and rubbing salt onto it. Painful.

Going to Sentosa with Pearl, Denise and Hwee Ping now. I should be happy that at least I can go out. But I don’t want to sunburn. It hurts. Crap. Anyway I’m just going there to have some fun in the sun. So many things to think about.

2008-11-10T00:06:00.003+08:00

I actually thought you understood. But I guess you and I have absolutely different opinions of what life should be. I cannot understand why you cannot accept me for who I am. All my life, I have always tried to fit in. I thought you understood how I felt. You even told me I’m fine the way I am. Guess I was wrong dude. I was seriously wrong.

Honestly, I have nothing else to say. But just that I miss you. All those happy times are just in memory now. I never thought things would come to this. Because if this drags on any longer. I really don’t know what I will do. You have always been there for me. I thank you for that. But now, maybe both of us have move on in life. We don’t communicate as much. There isn’t much ‘feel’ left. You are having fun where you are now. Thats good for you.

Miss you dude.

2008-11-06T22:37:00.001+08:00

Dear everyone,

First of all you need to know that this is not your fault,
It's mine, for I locked my problem inside me like a vault,
Problems that I was never able to tell you,
Problems that I'm sick of dealing with.
I'm through.

I'm sick of pretending that everything's alright,
I'm sick of having all these emotional demons to fight.
I can't take my depressing life anymore,
I realize I felt this way too often before.

I now know I'm not needed in this place,
Just another stupid teen, just another ugly face.
I can tell I'm secretly hated by everyone I know,
Though, when I'm around, they don't let their hatred show.

My life has no purpose as I can clearly see,
No one needs me and everyone hates me
I hate this world I live in, I hate how I feel now.
I try so hard to be accepted, but I don't know how.

I hate my reputation.
So I'm ending my life, my wrists I will cut.
I want you two to know, that I really do love you,
But I hate my life too much, this is the only thing to do.

Suicide's the perfect escape for my problems to go away,
I don't think anyone will miss me, anyway.
Maybe, somewhere there's someone who loves me
But I couldn't find them soon enough so now I must flee.

Maybe, my life's not that bad, maybe this is all in my head.
But it's too late to tell me that, by the time you find that I'll be dead.

I'm sorry it has to end this way, I'm sorry if you cry,
But I think this world will be better off,
If I die..

Goodbye.

2008-10-29T20:10:00.001+08:00

I’m scared about what is going to happen after I graduate from secondary school. I’m scared that my results are not up to standard and that things won’t go the way I planned them to. I’m scared that maybe everything that I have now and hold dear will just disappear into thin air. I’m scared about things that I don’t know of. I’m scared about staying alone at home now.

It has not been an easy month for me. Things I never thought would happen just happened and made my world come crashing down. It never occurred to me that life is just that unpredictable. I never thought it would happen. I don’t want it to happen. But there is nothing I can do to turn back time and erase what has happened. Nor can I face my feelings. When people ask “Are you alright?” I just give a smile and say yes. Its so easy to deny feeling but just so hard to face them and the pain that follows along. I cannot accept the fact that you are no longer around. It hurts.

Exams are coming to an end. Came so fast, over so fast. What happens after, only God knows. I don’t want to know what happens after. I’m afraid of what is going to happen after. Aren’t you?

2008-10-12T01:16:00.003+08:00

Only 7 more days to O levels. I don’t know if I can make it through the week. Its just so tiring. I wonder how the others still have energy to go out and stuff. I don’t even feel like leaving my room. To add to the pain, my study break has been taken away. That’s cause I only passed 4 subjects out of the 6 subjects I take. That means I have to go school next week while some of my classmates have their study break. Sigh. Makes me feel loser-ish and stupid too.

My brother seems to have his whole holiday planned out. I don’t even have any plans for mine. Other than going out with my friends to buy my prom stuff. After prom, its like nothing much to do. Gah. Wells then I can just spend more time with my bed and pillows. Sounds great though. But I don’t know why… I just feel so empty. Its like there is something missing within me. I don’t know whats missing. Or maybe its just me.

2008-10-05T20:52:00.001+08:00

Everything is happening so fast. I do not even have time to digest the things that are happening around me. I can only feel the pain. Why must things that I dread happen now? Why must my parents have ideas of changing church? Why?!

2008-09-23T21:33:00.005+08:00

1 more month to O levels! Or to be more exact, it’s only about 27 days more. Halleluiah people. Things are staring to look bleak. I am procrastinating still and more things aren’t looking up. Oh my. But at least I can cling onto the fact that in 1 months time, I am going to be free free free. No more waking up early and enduring teachers scolding you for sleeping in class. Hurrah!

2008-09-18T20:24:00.004+08:00

I'll Be There - Jackson 5

You and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back
Where there is love, Ill be there

Ill reach out my hand to you, Ill have faith in all you do
Just call my name and Ill be there

Ill be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you,
Im so glad that I found you
Ill be there with a love thats strong
Ill be your strength, Ill keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well thats all Im after
Whenever you need me, Ill be there
Ill be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name and Ill be there

If you should ever find someone new,
I know hed better be good to you cause if he doesnt, Ill be there
Dont you know, baby, yeah yeah
Ill be there, Ill be there, just call my name, Ill be there

Ill be there, Ill be there, whenever you need me, Ill be there
Dont you know, baby, yeah yeah
Ill be there, Ill be there, just call my name, Ill be there...

Thanks Greg. ILY too.

2008-09-15T15:36:00.001+08:00

For a moment there I forgot.
Forgot who I was and where I was going.
For a moment I broke down, than I held it all in...
Refusing to grieve beyond this point.
Just still in a state of shock, loss, and torment.
Crying now, it feels like I've forgotten where I stood.
Where the path leads, where the circle begins again.
I'm going to try to see a part of me.
Just me and no one else.
I'm going to try to let this go, but I think a part of me never will.

Can you believe this?

I don't want to be alone anymore.

Just a bruise, a major bump in the road.

So, for a moment there I think I forgot.

Forgot to breath,

forgot to cry

forgot to bleed

forgot to die.

Confusion always plays a part.

Toying with our emotions.

Stringing them from the outside and leaving them for......

I think I forgot...

For now I don't want to remember.

Remember the way this all felt...

Forgive me for now..for I can't see past this.

2008-09-10T21:07:00.001+08:00

Greg challenged me. To give the guitar one more try. He said I’m too caught up with other stuff and I need to try something new. The thing is, I have given up on the guitar. But that stupid BUMFAT asked me to try again. He said when he comes back next year. He’s gonna see me play. Hooboy.

School pretty much sucks. I don’t like my sitting position. Ew. Anyway school is beginning to feel so mundane. Everything is so monotone. Sigh. Don’t think anything new is going to happen. Unless one of us like decides to commit suicide out of stress. Wont that be nice.

2008-09-08T22:45:00.002+08:00

Having stomach flu now. Which means that everything I eat, is vomited out minutes later. Sucks to be me. I want to eat, but I cant. I even had an injection and I hate injections.

Its seems so weird when you start talking to me. Its like my whole world is suddenly blocked out and I’m in a bubble. Everything that we share, I really want it to be true. But everytime I talk to you, I always doubt you. Because of this, I am also starting to doubt myself. It super hurts. I don’t want to doubt anyone.

Everytime I think I’m closer to the heart,

Of what it means to know just who I am.

I think I finally found a better place to start,

But no one never seems to understand.

2008-09-04T22:55:00.001+08:00

Letting go is not easy. Even how hard I try, I just cannot seem to let go. Maybe he is not worth it. Maybe I don’t need a friend like him. But I just don’t know why everything turned out like this. Is it because of me? Or is it cause of him? Or is it the both of us. Its so pissy to be thinking of random reasons why it is happening or why did it happen.

Is it worth suffering over a person like him? If he is not willing to be my friend, why am I still clinging on so stupidly? Do I want to continue suffering or should I just let go and move on. Sigh, if only life were that simple. If it were then the whole world would not be suffering from heart pain.

I don’t know if your friendship is worth the pain I am suffering now.

2008-09-03T17:22:00.001+08:00

I LOVE SINGING SAD SONGS.

2008-08-31T23:01:00.001+08:00

You know what?! I don’t really give a shit anymore. People seem to have this warped opinion of me. You cant really change me or anything. Neither would I change myself. I may act immature and stuff. But that does not give you permission to have warped opinions of me. Why cant you just accept me for who I am?

After all these years, I know many things have happened and we ALL have changed. I know I have. Even how hard it is to accept the changed you, don’t you realize that we do still stick by each other. Yes, I honestly have been avoiding you. But you just screw up my mind. It is already very screwed up. And I don’t need you to make it worse. Even how irritating you are, I try not to show how much it is affecting me.

But I just cant take it anymore. Because its eating into me. I really want to solve this problem. But it goes so far back, I don’t know where to start. Maybe you don’t realize that I don’t judge people by how well they do in school and everything. I don’t mind if you’re a freaking big failure in life. I may not be able to accept the changed you. But I am getting used to it. Sorry, but it does take time.

Anyway, everything is screwed, I am screwed too.

2008-08-31T22:34:00.002+08:00

To live a life of colour
To take away the blades, blood and tears
To never have heard
My own bitter screams in the night

To live a life without
Hatred for myself, my friends and family
To never have killed
My relationships with the

To live a life of love
To love and have been loved
To never have become
What I am

To live a life like yours
A virgin to depression
To never have tasted
The tears of my life

Would be bliss

2008-08-28T16:04:00.001+08:00

Went to send Jie off last night. I swear I was going to cry. But because of stupid pride, I didn’t. Will really miss that woman. It’s like last time when she came back and left it felt easier to let go. But I think as I grow older, it just becomes harder and harder to let the ones I love, leave. Wells but at least I know she is going to be back. But last night made me feel like I want to leave for someplace far away too. Where I can start everything new. Wells I will never have the chance though. It would all just be wishful thinking.

Didn’t go school today. Had a shitty night, cried lots. Cried lots again this morning. It does kill. But amazingly, it also does make everything seem better. Guess these few days I have been thinking lots. Not very good. But at least I have come to make a few big decisions. Yep. So that’s like time spent wisely I guess?

Anyway the picture is of my brother and I, on the way to the airport. I guess sometimes he is really pissy and stuff. But like yesterday. He bought me lunch. Free of charge. And then let me play with his phone, listen to his songs. We spent a good 2 hours acting like civilized citizens. Last time, I had always thought it would be great to see him go to the army. But now I think I am going to be the one crying buckets when he does. Even though he is taller, bigger, and more egoistic – I still love him.

2008-08-27T15:40:00.003+08:00

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!" - Peter Pan

2008-08-24T00:06:00.003+08:00

Tears are the windows to a soul

Within them contain the emotions of one's being

Falling for the death of someone loved,

Streaming for brokeness

Rolling in laughter and happiness,

Tumbling in depression

Holding onto the light,

Clinging in fear of darkness

Windows,

Windows to the hiding one afraid to be seen

(c)WingOfDeath-deviantart

2008-08-21T11:38:00.000+08:00

Sorta love this picture. When I look at it, it feels like freedom. I like freedom. To me, freedom is just me lying on my bed with music and stoning. Simple pleasure. But now, I rarely have that. Because of O levels. Its only 9 more weeks to O levels people. Sigh. So fast. In about 13 weeks, I would be off school. Imagine that. Gah.

Anyway in school now, trying to rush F&N coursework. Today is the last day. GAH!

2008-08-18T22:26:00.001+08:00

I want to talk to him. But I can’t seem to bring myself to talk to him. I’m afraid that I will get hurt or maybe say something that will hurt him. It’s so painful. Sigh. Maybe the 2 of us are just not meant to be friends. However much I want it.

This is Ng Siah Ying’s 2nd post. All the wistful thinking. Sigh.

2008-08-18T17:52:00.002+08:00

He really really hates me and does not want to talk to me. Sigh. I guess all I can do now is just pray and ask God to help me. Cause even if I keep thinking about it, its not going to benefit me. He won’t even care, even if I fail my exams because I’m troubled over this. He already said that he does not care anymore. So Ng Siah Ying! Why are you still thinking about him? It’s practically useless. So stop thinking you emotional person. Get a grip.

Oh I so love scolding myself. Yeah. It’s a part of my life that I so enjoy. I get a fantastic kick out of doing it. Whee.

Anyway it’s going to be a real crap week at school. How I wish I could get 2 days mc. These 2 days would be spent lying down on my bed and staring into the ceiling. It really gives me a sense of happiness. But I also must study. Its only 9 more weeks to O levels and only 12 more weeks to the end of O levels. I must live for 12 more weeks. I must also stop thinking about stupid things. Because these few days, the word pain feels so sweet. Sigh.

2008-08-12T21:58:00.001+08:00

Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say

Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Thanks Greg for the longlong email and talk, thanks Alyce for your virtual papercrane, thanks Luke for wasting smses and time on talking to me and thanks Pearl for spending time with me.

Greg sent me this song. He said this song is like our friendship. No matte how far apart we are. Miss him. Talked to me and cried lots. Then talked to Alyce - nice person. Thanks to the 2 of you for reminding me whats important now. Even though I do think about it all the time, I still gotta focus on my exams.

I never realised that I can be hurt so deeply over a few smses. Sigh I guess theres nothing I can do about it if he doesnt care and doesnt want to have anything to do with me anymore. But I keep thinking about it and its messing with my mind. Sigh maybe Luke is right. Thinking too much does screw up your brain.

~ more tears, more blood shed

2008-08-10T18:22:00.003+08:00

Everything seems to be crashing down. It seems like everything chose the same time to just collaspe on me.

The word ' never ' is a very strong word. It makes everything feel like its come to a dead end. When you claimed that you would never talk to me again, so that I could be happy, I really thought you were insane. It didnt make me happy. It only made me feel extremely hurt. Its ridiculous. Im sad because of other reasons. This just shows you dont understand me. Maybe these 2 years of not talking to each other has just made everything worse.

People came today to adopt my cats. I dont want to give my cats away. I feel like everything thats dear to me is going away. Firstly, someone who I thought was my friend has walked away from me. Now my only source of happiness is being taken away from me. Why is this happening?!

Medical check-up tmrw. Dont think its going to be good. Not been taking medicine these few months. Just dont feel like taking. I must as well die. This way, I would not have to take medicine and I wouldnt have to feel any pain.

2008-08-08T00:10:00.003+08:00

Actually I dont know where my heart is

... maybe I left it in the fridge.

2008-08-05T20:46:00.002+08:00

All colours turn to grey.

Been a pretty bad week. Sigh it seems like everything is not going the way it should be. Everything and everyone is messing up. I am messing up big time. I know this is not the time to let my emotions do the talking. But sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

I need to control my emotions so I can block the pain. Its not worth the pain. It just makes eveything seem so grey and lonely. Last time I always wondered how it would be like to be lonely. But now I guess I know how it feels.

Prelims are soonsooon. Finishing my Prep exams tmrw. Hmmm I wonder how I would fare. Sigh I guess with everything thats happening around me. My results would pretty much reflect them. I want to do well and everything. But my emotions keep interferring. Wouldn't it be great if our emotions had an on and off switch?

2008-07-31T11:38:00.002+08:00

I miss you guys so much.

Pretty bad week and everything. Seems like things don't really go your way when you want or need them too. So many things to settle but, so little time.

School has been pretty bummed out. Cause of Prep exams. I do try my best. But my best never seems enough to me. I don't know how much others are expecting from me. But I know that I am not reaching the expectation I have of myself.

Got so many things to settle but I don't know how to go about settling them. I did ask God for wisdom on how to settle them. But I don't think I still do get it. Sigh I must be like born dumb of something. Sigh I worry that things would turn out opposite from what I expect. Of all times to get all these stuff now. Makes O levels seem unworthy of my time.

Gahh I want to go Australia at the end of the year. But its like so expensive. I don't like want to like tell Mummy and Daddy how much I want to go. Because I don't want to give them any stress. Sighh but I would understand if we do not get to go at the end of the year. Sigh sometimes I do wish I was rich. But I guess God is fair. I got a happy family.

2008-07-23T18:23:00.002+08:00

Thank You by Ray Boltz
I dreamed I went to heaven
And you were there with me
We walked upon the streets of gold
Beside the crystal sea
We heard these angels singing
Then someone called your name
You turned and saw this young man
And he was smiling as he came
And he said friend you may not know me now
And then he said, but wait
You used to teach my Sunday School
When I was only eight
And every week you would say a prayer
Before the class would start
And one day when you said that prayer
I asked Jesus in my heart

CHORUS
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am a life that was changed
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am so glad you gave
Then another man stood before you
And said remember the time
A missionary came to your church
And his pictures made you cry
You didn’t have much money
But you gave it anyway
Jesus took the gift you gave
And that’s why I’m here today

CHORUS

One by one they came
Far as your eyes could see
Each life somehow touched
By your generosity
Little things that you had done
Sacrifices you made
They were unnoticed on the earth
In heaven now proclaimed

And I know that up in heaven
You’re not supposed to cry
But I am almost sure
There were tears in your eyes
As Jesus took your hand
And you stood before the Lord
He said, my child look around you
For great is your reward

CHORUS

I am so glad you gave.

2008-07-20T18:13:00.002+08:00

If I tell you that I am lonely now, would you come all the way here to give me a hug?

Just came back from swimming, extremely tired. Sigh I never liked swimming. Anyway I have lots of things to think about. Its not important but I just want to think about it. Even if it does make me feel depressed.

2008-07-16T10:45:00.005+08:00

Just talked to Greg the other day. Miss him so much. He said hes coming back soon. I hope his soon is like real soon. Got so many things to tell him =) He said hes found a girlfriend there. Shes into wrestling! He showed her my picture and she said she wanted to meet me. He said he guessed shes never seen anyone so small. Haha shes 180. I really wonder how people ever grow so tall. Anyway Greg said that he and Alyce - nice name, are trying to make me the 1000 paper cranes thingy. Haha honestly, I think I will never get to see it. Cause Greg is just like me. We cannot even fold paper planes. Let alone cranes. No offence Greg. Greg is a silent blog reader. He reads, he laughes but he never or rarely tags. Hmmm see if this post will make him soo touched that he will tag!

After talking to Greg, I suddenly seem to miss Zanny alot. I feel really guilty for not thinking about her everyday. I even forgot her death aniversary. Cause to me, shes always there. I guess I still cant get over the fact that she has left. I miss her to bits. But I know I can never give her a hug anymore. Thinking about it now, I really have not been thinking about her. Im sorry Zanny. But deep down in my heart. I really do miss her. I have always been. Ever since she left for Hawaii and even when she passed away. I always wish that she never fell ill and she never died. But I know I cant turn back the clock. Sigh. I MISS YOU ZANNY.

2008-07-09T17:04:00.004+08:00

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many

Songs about rainbows

And what's on the other side

Rainbow's are visions

They're only illusions

And rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told and some chose to

Believe it

But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it

The Rainbow Connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish

Would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star

Somebody thought of that

And someone believed it

And look what it's done so far

What's so amazing

That keeps us star gazing

What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it

That Rainbow Connection

The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep

And have you heard voices

I've heard them calling my name

Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors

I think they're one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it

There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it

The Rainbow Connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

2008-07-07T18:08:00.003+08:00

My Mummy is putting my kittens up for adoption. I hate that. Why must she do that? Sigh everytime I get attached to the kittens she puts them up for adoption. Sighh I will miss them. =(

Everything is collapsing around me. Sigh false hopes and everything. I just dont get anything. But neither do I intend to get them. All I want to do is just be alone. I cannot seem to find a time where I can be alone. I just want to lock my room door and spend a whole day with myself, sorting things out. But seems like school is totally killing me. I can feel I have changed. I'm getting physically and mentally weaker everyday. It totally feels like shit.

2008-07-05T18:30:00.000+08:00

2008-07-05T16:18:00.001+08:00

2008-06-30T21:23:00.003+08:00

Today is such a stupid day. I totally bummed my oral. They asked the hardest question in the world. And today was pretty bummed. I screwed up everything that I thought I would never screw up. The teachers today didnt make it any easier. They made the day seem even more bummed than it could already be.

Orals actually did not make my day bummed. Many other things made my day bummed and maybe even the days to come.

2008-06-29T21:11:00.002+08:00

Today the Superman of the day is Wong JuLih! Haha. He's Superman of the day because I felt that he was soo brave. Cause he ate a whole tablespoon of tabasco sauce in return for a Mcdonalds sundae. Brave but a little stupid thought. =)

Anyway today was like super duper uber hot. Even in the aircon can perspire so much. But still today was okay-okay. But was pretty sian-ed over many things. And tmrw is chinese O levels! So ciao people!

2008-06-29T01:37:00.005+08:00

My school's Graduation Ball is like super expensive. $70 just to go. Not counting the money to spend on clothes and stuff. Aww mann my pocket is like soo gonna burst. Haha more like my parent's pockets. =D Anyway its like at the Hilton which is like posh according to the teachers. Haha the food better be good!

Anyway going to sleep now! Got church tmrw. Singing backup for Basic! Ciao!

2008-06-26T21:28:00.002+08:00

" HAKUNA MATATA - no worries "

But unfortunately there seems to be like this super thick cloud of worry hanging in the air all the time. And I'm sure its not mainly cause of O levels. Even though I have not been studying. Its more like everything is sooo worrying. Sighh.

~ SHORT POST , and even shorter life

2008-06-24T22:39:00.002+08:00

I think I am officially going insane. Looking at my phone the whole day, calling Lekshmi during class and hanging up, totally destroying my foolscap cover and more. Im going to grow mad and like maybe blow or something.

2008-06-23T22:43:00.002+08:00

Today's horoscope!
Gemini - You are feeling hopeless about getting through that one person, but just put it off for a few days and things should settle down.

When I read this in the newspapers today. I was like shocked. It sounds soo true. I mean sometimes horoscopes are crap - according to Luke. But this time it seemed pretty real! I mean for those who know what happen, it does apply in almost everyway. Soo yeah.

2008-06-22T15:32:00.003+08:00

Honestly I dont know if anything means anything to you. I mean I know better than to like believe what you said. But I gave whatever you said some thought and I sorta hoped you would be there. Wells I guess I was being stupid or something. Sighh nothing more to say. Just that Im disappointed and I guess its my fault.

Super tired today. Lead songs for Basic today. Mann my voice totally screwed up. Hope that next week it would be better. Was mostly distracted cause I was hoping that what i hoped for would happen. But nehh it didnt. I was so ready to strangle someone. =(

Got lots of things to blog about. But no more motivation cause Im feeling =(

2008-06-21T17:23:00.002+08:00

I'm quitting drum soon. Sadded but the timing cannot make it when ARPC moves. Sighh ... Then again I got find a new school. Haha or ask my parents to buy me a drumset. Then self practice. Hmmm thats another idea.

Going for karate noww!

2008-06-18T12:24:00.003+08:00

1 more hour before I meet Lekshmi, Liana and Sheela for the CIP library thingy. Heard from many people its like damned. Cause the people over there treat them like shit and everything. Hmmm hope today will be like better. Haha no harm in hoping right?

Like I sorta hope for many many things to happen. Sighh I wonder us humans must go through hurt and everything. Its just a waste of time and energy. =(

Anyway hope I can still fit into my school uniform. Haha ironing it now and feeling that I dont think I can wear them. Sian mann. Haha still got to wear them for like 4 months plus before the dreaded O levels are over.